Forever Alone
by Kanotari
Summary: In a fit of boredom, Integra decides to try her hand at speed dating. Alucard takes the opportunity to abuse their mental link for his own amusement.
1. Plans

**Hello everyone,**

**My roommate, Annavance92, had the fabulous idea to see how Alucard would torture Integra if she ever felt possessed to try her hand at speed dating. My roommate, however, is a reader and not a writer, so I took up her idea and ran with it.**

**This chapter is mainly exposition, and I apologize for that. Alucard gets a bit of a chance to be his troll of a self, but will have more opportunities in the upcoming chapters. I encourage you all to stick it out and read chapter two. **

**Please read and review. Reviews make my day. I'm dead serious. I appreciate them that much. **

**-Kanotari**

*****Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, or any of its characters… ****though I dearly wish I did.*****

* * *

Forever Alone

Integra felt like clawing her own eyes out. Her boredom was starting to get to her. It had been nearly three months since the Hellsing organization had destroyed its last vampire. There hadn't been so much as a sighting since. She had written the budget for next year and gotten it approved by the Board of Trustees. She had retrained her men to combat increasingly difficult vampires, with a little help from her vampire servants of course. She had even waded through job applications and three rounds of interviews to fill the gaps left by the staff members who could have used their advanced training a little earlier. There was simply nothing left to do around the Hellsing estate. Integra needed to escape for a little while.

It had been so long since she had free time like this. Integra wondered what normal people her age did around town. She knew they liked to travel in packs. She considered asking Seras to go shopping with her, but the young vampire was nowhere to be found. Integra trusted Walter with her life, but she couldn't picture him unwinding enough to enjoy a shopping trip with her. As for Alucard, well, she didn't even want to think of what potential nightmares that would result in. She needed to find somebody else, and quickly. Her sanity was waning rapidly.

An idea struck her; a crazy idea, but an idea nonetheless. Normal women her age cared about men. They were either in a relationship or trying to be in one. Perhaps she needed a boyfriend, or at least a date. The Hellsing director smiled, and placed a phone call.

It was dark outside by the time Integra was ready. She walked down the manor's stairs with her usual poise if not her usual grace. Pumps were not her shoes of choice. They weren't exactly the type of footwear one chooses to confront hordes of angry vampires in. She misjudged the distance between her elevated shoe and the bottom stair, twisting her ankle and falling in an undignified heap. The stately director sincerely hoped no one had witnessed her misfortune, but of course she wasn't so lucky.

"I believe you missed a step," Alucard mocked from the shadows.

"Gee, thanks," she shot back sarcastically as she stood and adjusted her outfit.

"Perhaps you should choose clothing that won't result in your injury," he teased in his deep baritone voice. Integra shook her head at him, and made for the door. The vampire was enjoying himself too much to let his prey escape.

"Going somewhere?" Alucard asked, trapping his master against the wall with a well placed arm. His hot breath hit Integra smack in the face.

"I would be, if you would get out of my way," she hissed through clenched teeth.

"In that?" the vampire asked scathingly. Integra wore a short, yet classy black dress. It was far from her normal attire, but certainly not inappropriate for a night on the town.

"Do you have a problem with the way I dress?" Integra demanded. As a matter of fact, he didn't, but where was the fun in that?

"It's cold outside," he offered lamely.

"I'll be fine," she assured him, rolling her eyes. _Frustrating overprotective guardian,_ she thought to herself. Integra tried to duck under her servant's arm, but he blocked her way with his torso as he both casually and conveniently leaned against the wall.

"Any plans for tonight?" he asked, inspecting a piece of caked blood on his cuticle.

"Yes, but they're none of your business," she answered matter-of-factly.

"Au contraire, madame," Alucard smirked. "I am sworn to protect my master."

Integra rolled her eyes again and opened her handbag. Inside was a 9mm beretta pistol. "Against humans, I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself."

"I'll remember that when you run home crying," he laughed, though he moved himself away from the wall and gave her room to breathe.

"Good night, Alucard," she said firmly, storming past the insufferable vampire.

_Oh... so you're going to be gone all night,_ Alucard mocked via their telepathic link. _Maybe you do have plans after all._

The Hellsing director sighed. The last thing Integra needed tonight was a bored vampire abusing their connection to whisper scathing comments directly into her mind. She tried to banish the unwelcome thought as she headed out into the night. Alucard was right. It was cold, and she probably should have brought a jacket. The nipping frost encouraged her to walk faster, despite her shoe situation. Luckily, she managed to stay on her feet until she reached her destination, a modest restaurant in town.

The bells on the door handle softly tinkled as Integra opened it delicately and peered inside. She had to admit that she felt very self-conscious and exposed in a dress. Business suits were certainly her preferred attire, but one did not come to a place such as this dressed professionally.

She found a table covered in name tags and donned the one that read 'Integra Hellsing' It also bore a green sticker. The highbrow woman sat at the table with the corresponding sticker. The chair across from her was still empty.

"Welcome to Quick Dates!" a woman announced from a nearby microphone. She sounded altogether too happy.

_Oh my word_, Alucard laughed, distracting the Hellsing director from the annoying announcer. _I assumed you had plans with some gentleman caller, not with a room full of desperate hobos._

Integra swore softly, hoping fervently that no one heard her. It was not exactly the first impression she was hoping to make.

_Get out my head!_ she commanded. _Can't you entertain yourself, for once in your life?_

_I'm sure I could find ways to occupy my free time, but none that you would approve of._

Integra chose to ignore the comment, instead putting all her effort into focusing on the painfully-cheery speaker. The blonde woman with the microphone droned on, sounding like a cheerleader at a pep rally. From her physique and garish makeup, Integra deduced that she had probably been just that at one time in her life.

"Alright single people, it's time for your first date. Yay!" She paused, as though she expected some sort of audible reaction from the audience. One never came. She continued on, unfazed. "Please head to the table that matches the sticker on your name tag."

Integra reclined in her seat, waiting for her first date. Her attention fell on a little card slipped under her drink. It was a profile for someone named Richard, presumably the man currently sitting down in the chair on the other side of the table.

**As I said above, this is mostly exposition. Please give next chapter a chance, when Integra has her date with Richard, whom Alucard decides is both unemployed and homeless. **


	2. Date One: Richard the Hobo

**Hello again,**

**It's only been like 9 hours... but I was having fun. Integra was not.**

**-Kanotari**

* * *

Date 1: Richard the Hobo

Richard appeared to be about Integra's age. Even while sitting, the Hellsing director could tell that he was taller than her. His black turtleneck highlighted his excellent musculature and strong jaw. His hair was a light brown and intentionally mussed, and he had a beard to match. Integra had to admit that he was rather attractive and just her type.

"Hello," the suddenly shy woman started. "My name is Integra. It is lovely to meet you."

The words sounded so plastic and rehearsed coming from her mouth. All it took was a pretty face, and Integra turned into a nervous wreck with impeccable manners. Richard didn't seem to mind.

"I'm Richard. Nice to meet you as well," he replied. The attractive man took a sip of his bourbon on the rocks and continued. "So, Miss Integra, what do you do for a living?"

"I lead a secret government organization. I am afraid I can't tell you more than that," Integra apologized.

Richard to a large gulp of bourbon this time, and tugged at the collar of his turtleneck. He was quite clearly uncomfortable.

_You know just what to say to a man_, Alucard said sarcastically in the back of her mind.

_You know just what to say to piss me off_, she shot back.

_I was merely trying to help, master,_ the vampire teased, thought they both knew he was full of it.

"And you?" Integra asked.

"I am a bit of a freelancer," Richard replied.

_He means he's unemployed. I told you this was a gathering of hobos. Bet you he did his hair in a gas station bathroom._

_Bet you I'm going to send you to Siberia if you don't shut the hell up, _the Hellsing director growled back telepathically.

"That's fascinating," Integra answered politely. "What about hobbies? Is there something you like to do in your free time?"

_I'm sure he has plenty of free time_, Alucard mocked.

"I love to travel the world," Richard replied.

_Told you he was homeless_, Alucard laughed evilly.

"A friend of mine is just about to leave for Siberia," Integra mentioned.

_That was aimed at me, wasn't it?_ the vampire noticed. _How very unbecoming of you._

"Really? I would love to go there," the handsome gentleman said eagerly. "Of course I'd prefer to go with someone."

"I hear it's beautiful," Integra giggled.

"Not nearly as beautiful as you," Richard responded seductively.

_Congratulations. Your hobo just made me lose my lunch, _Alucard whined theatrically.

"Why thank you," Integra blushed.

_Don't do that! _the vampire insisted. _You're only encouraging him._

"Perhaps we could go somewhere a little closer for a second date first," Richard hinted. Subtlety was not his strong suit.

"Where did you have in mind?"

_You can't seriously be thinking about giving the hobo a chance? You do realize you'll be paying for his dinner and his cab fare home, right?_

"There's a little Italian restaurant not too far from here," he mentioned.

_My mistake. You'll have to cover his cab fare to the park. I'm pretty sure I've seen him sleeping on a bench there._

_He's not a hobo, Alucard_, Integra defended. _I'll prove it_.

"So where is home for you?" she asked aloud.

"Oh, it varies. I'm staying with a friend at the moment while my new apartment is being renovated."

_See?_ Integra replied smugly.

_No!_ Alucard shot back. _He must have conned some poor sap into taking in a bum off the streets. Ask him if he likes having a roof over his head, for once. _

_I will do no such thing!_ she seethed. _Don't you have something better to do?_

_Oh, so you've had a vampire sighting then?_

_You know I haven't. You've been spying on me since I left the manor._

_In that case, no. I don't have anything better to do._

Integra realized at that moment, that she had been so enthralled in her argument with the frustrating vampire that she had created an awkward silence between Richard and herself. She also realized that she had probably hadn't been controlling her face. It was a force of habit to make pained expressions when she dealt with Alucard. The frightened look on her date's face and the muffled chuckling in the back of her mind confirmed it. Richard probably thought she was crazy.

"Sorry, I was…." her voice trailed off. What on Earth was she supposed to say?

_You were telepathically communicating with an incredibly powerful vampire? _Alucard suggested.

_No!_ Integra decided definitively.

_I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me,_ the vampire whined. _Well then, what were you doing? Having leg cramps? Passing a kidney stone? _

"trying to think of a question," she ended lamely. Integra felt the corner of her eye twitch when she realized that she had forgotten about her expressions again. She blamed Alucard.

_Oh, you were lying_. _That's right_.

"Do I want to know?" Richard asked.

"Probably not," she admitted reluctantly.

Mercifully for the Hellsing director, a bell rang at just that moment.

"Time is up, ladies and gentlemen," the event coordinator announced. "I hope you all had a wonderful date, but it is time to move on to your next one. Please fill out your date's card and move on to the next table."

Integra examined the little index card that had informed her of Richard's name. There was a box she could check if she wanted a second date. She wasn't all that interested in spending more time with the person Alucard had correctly deemed a hobo. More importantly, it would be horribly awkward to see him again. But then again…. She smirked and checked the box. It would annoy the nosy vampire.

* * *

**Stick around for Integra's next date: Steve the Zombie.**


	3. Date Two: Steve the Zombie

Date 2: Steve the Zombie

Integra's new date took his place across from her. "Steve Harvey, accountant," he announced, extending his hand in a businesslike fashion.

"Hello Steve. My name is Integra," she replied cheerily, false smile plastered on her face. She took his proffered hand.

"Very nice to meet you," he said, giving her a rapid handshake.

"Why don't you start, Steve?" Integra suggested. "Tell me a little about yourself."

"Well I am twenty-seven. I like crossword puzzles and reading the newspaper. My mother's spaghetti is my favorite food." He paused for a minute. "What else did you want to know?"

_He sounds enthralling_, Alucard interjected sarcastically._ His mother's cooking, eh? Bet he eats that every night. _After a slight pause, he continued. _Because he lives with her,_ he added, just to be sure Integra got the point.

_I understood the first time, _Integra was sure to inform him.

"How about where you work?" she asked her date. Steve had a job, so the uninvited guest in her head couldn't simply mock his employment status. She intended to rub that in the self-absorbed vampire's face.

"Oh I'm an accountant for HSBC," he said smugly. Steve had clearly been waiting for her to ask him just that question.

"You don't mean the banking company?" Integra gasped. HSBC was one of the largest and most influential British companies of the day.

_That's not impressive_, the vampire scoffed. _If he owned it, that would be another matter._

_We could use a good accountant to figure out how to pay for all the damages you cause,_ she retorted.

_That building needed to be demolished! _ he claimed.

_But the building next to it didn't, _she insisted, cringing as she remembered the wreckage her servant had caused.

_I killed the vampire, didn't I? _Alucard defended.

_And several innocent people, _she reminded him._ Do you even think before you act?!_

Steve was staring at his date, or at least his date for the next eight minutes. _Damn it_, Integra swore. She had been staring off into space again. Telepathy did not make it easy to converse with normal people. On second thought, Steve was still talking. In fact, Steve was still laughing at his own joke. Had he not noticed that she wasn't paying attention?

"And then I told Linda, from reception… well you remember," he paused for a moment, trying to regain his composure. "I said, 'That shirt looks lovely on you.' Isn't that hilarious?" Integra did her best to feign polite amusement.

"So then on Tuesday…" he continued. The Hellsing director stared incredulously at him. Did he ever shut up?

_Does he ever shut up?_ Alucard demanded.Integra winced. Agreeing with Alucard was never a good sign.

"...and Mike from financing wanted to know about the books..." Steve droned on.

_The way he talks, he could drown out a troop of chimpanzees, _Alucard mocked. _It's actually quite impressive_.

"… I mean can you believe that?!…" the corporate drone continued. He must not have cared if Integra believed it or not, for he continued talking without so much as a pause.

_No snappy comeback, Master?_ the vampire gasped, voice laced with fake surprise. Integra said nothing. He was right, but it would not benefit her to remind him of that fact.

"… and Linda ate all the cake at Carrie's birthday party…" Steve babbled on.

_I get it_, Alucard chuckled darkly. _You agree with me._ Integra tried very hard not to scream, instead biting her cheek so hard it bled. Yes, Alucard was right, and she was never going to live it down.

_I always told you that you should listen to me, but well… you can see the irony there._

_For the love of all things holy! _Integra shouted, taking pains to make sure she did so only in her mind. _Will you just shut the fuck up?_

_I know right… He's so dull, _Alucard chimed in.

_Both of you! _Integra clarified. _He's just boring. You're freakishly annoying._

_Well you're freakishly ugly._

_Well you're an egotistical prick._

_Well you're stuck on a date with Steve. Who's the real loser here?_

Integra had nothing to say. She didn't have to see Alucard's face to know that he was smirking, and incredibly proud of himself.

"… Krystal was so furious…" Steve continued, blissfully unaware of the telepathic conversation taking place at his expense.

_Is he aware that his life is meaningless? _Alucard pondered.

_I don't think so,_ Integra concurred. _He's just a corporate stooge._

_I wonder what he does on his days off…_

_He probably goes to work anyway so he can tell Chad from accounting -_

_I think you mean Bill_, Alucard interjected.

_Yes, whatever, _she accepted to silence the vampire. _- Bill from accounting that Lisa from corporate likes his tie._

_I think zombies have more life than him. _

_That's what he is!_ Integra declared_. Steve is a corporate zombie._

_Instead of chasing brains, he chases gossip._

_Instead of his body rotting, it's just his soul._

"Did you hear what I said?" Steve asked. Integra blinked violently, still rather shocked that the drone had remembered her presence.

The bell rang and the perky bond announcer informed the gentlemen that it was time to switch tables.

"No, Steve. No I did not," Integra admitted with a smile.


	4. Date Three: Matt the Suggestive

**In some cultures, it is a tradition to treat your guests on your birthday. Instead of receiving gifts, you give them. So today is my birthday, and this is my present to all of you, as a thanks for supporting this utterly ridiculous story, and me.**

**-Kanotari**

* * *

Chapter 3: Matt the Suggestive

"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me," a husky voice whispered in Integra's ear. The Hellsing director jumped a little, surprised that someone had snuck up on her. She was certainly off her game.

"Integra," she introduced, extending her hand and missing the point.

_He means he would like to do unspeakable things to you_, Alucard clarified.

"Hi, my name is Matt," the attractive stranger replied. "You better remember it, because you'll be screaming it all night long."

Integra wasn't quite sure how to respond. She cracked an awkward smile.

_Well he's a rather subtle individual, isn't he?_ the vampire said telepathically, voice dripping with sarcasm.

_Just give him a chance,_ Integra replied. In all honesty, she felt his appearance was making up for his lack of tact. He had vivid blue eyes. She stared into them

"Your face must turn a few heads," the handsome man complimented.

_His must turn a few stomachs_, Alucard growled.

"Why thank you!" Integra replied, flattered. "So tell me a little bit about yourself," she continued, trying to move the subject away from her.

"Well…" he replied. "I have a magic watch."

"Magic?" she inquired.

_Tell me he's not going where I think he is_ the vampire pleaded.

"Yes, magic," he confirmed. "It has x-ray vision. It tells me you aren't wearing any underwear," Matt teased.

Alucard uttered an exasperated sigh in the back of his master's mind as the predictable line went exactly where it always did.

"How dare you?!" Integra demanded. "Of course I'm wearing underwear."

"Darn thing must be running an hour fast."

Integra stared disbelievingly at the blunt, albeit beautiful, man before her.

_I think he likes you_, Alucard laughed.

_I hadn't noticed_,Integra responded dryly.

"If you think you'll regret in the morning, we can sleep in until the afternoon," he hinted, flashing his eyebrows at her.

"I think I'll pass," she clarified, just in case he thought he had a chance.

"Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Integra's new date asked, taking a new, more graceful approach.

"Yes," Integra replied snappily. "That's why I don't go there anymore." She was tired of the pick-up lines. It was nice to be thought of as sexy, but she wasn't a notch on some guy's belt. Instead, she flagged down a waiter.

"Just leave the bottle," she requested when the man returned.

"You know," Matt started. "You look fantastic sober."

"I doubt you'd be attractive even after I finish this," she laughed, pouring herself a glass of whiskey. His face, maybe. His personality, certainly not.

_Please. I saw how you blushed, _Alucard mocked. _You think he's hot._

_I do not!_ she denied, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. Was she that obvious?

_There you go again. You want him._

_He's repulsive!_ she protested.

_Sure_, he said, stretching the word into two syllables. It was clear the vampire didn't believe her.

"If I could arrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together," Matt teased.

"Really?" Integra laughed. "Because I would put 'F' and 'U' together."

"That can be arranged, baby," Matt smirked seductively.

"I'm not sleeping with you."

"Yet."

_You have to admit he's determined, _Alucard noted.

_Does he have a pick up line for every situation? _Integra demanded.

_Bet you he does._

_You're on. _

_What do I get if I win?_

_I'll let you out. For a whole night. _Integra was confident she could put her date into a situation that he didn't have a cheesy line for. She was so confident, in fact, that she was willing to promise Alucard free reign. The vampire's previous 'day off' had nearly bankrupted her organization. The queen herself had called to inquire about it. Integra's hand had nearly fallen off from all the apologetic notes she had to write.

Agreed_, _the vampire hissed. He sounded almost giddy, Integra thought. And_ your demand?_

_What do you think?_

_Fine. I suppose I could make you a few more vampires._

_No, you vampiric asshole. I want you to leave me alone for the rest of the night! _Integra insisted. _Please don't make any more vampires_, she added as an afterthought.

_Oh all right_, Alucard agreed._ Do we have a deal?_

_I believe we do._

The Hellsing director smirked, and enacted her master plan. "I'm sorry to lead you on, Matt, but I'm actually a lesbian."

"That's okay baby," he laughed. "We can have a threesome."

"I think I'll pass_."_

_There you go. No witty line,_ she gleefully informed the vampire. _I win_.

_It isn't reasonable to expect him to use a pick up line for every sentence._

Alucard was right. Of course, he was right. To win this bet, she was going to have to keep putting her date in strange situations. Her sadistic servant could debate the lack of one pick up line, but three? Four?

"You sure are gullible," Integra noticed. "I… I… Achoo!" She sneezed, sending her napkin flying off the table.

"I'd say God bless you, but it looks like he already did."

A maniacal chuckle echoed in her head.

_No you don't!_ The Hellsing director protested.

_He had a line for a sneeze_, Alucard insisted. _Don't be a sore loser._

"Fuck all kinds of duck…" she muttered under her breath. Not only was she stuck with the vampire's snide comments for the rest of the night, but now she would have to clean up his mess when he took his night off. And of course there was the fact that the man across the table from her was still staring at her chest as though her shirt held Cinnabuns. Thankfully, her bottle of whiskey was still half full. She didn't bother to pour it into a glass, drinking straight from the bottle instead. It was that kind of night.

The bell rang, signaling the end of their date. Integra couldn't have been out of her chair faster if there was a fire in the building. She sprinted for the restroom.

"Hey! You're forgetting something!" he called after her.

"What?" she spat, her patience long gone.

"Me."


	5. Hors D'Oeuvers

**Thank you for the birthday wishes!**

**-Kano**

* * *

Hors D'Oeuvres

Integra cautiously stuck her nose out of the bathroom, looking for Matt. To her great relief, he had found another woman to pester. Apparently, she had missed something while she was in the bathroom, for everyone was out of their seats. A small army of waiters and waitresses milled around, arms laden with appetizers.

One gentleman took notice of her as she glanced around, still wondering what she missed. He sauntered her way.

"You seem confused," the rather attractive man noticed casually.

"I was in the bathroom avoiding my last date. I'm not sure what's going on."

"We're starting dinner, open seating of course. I'd be honored if you would join me." He proffered his hand.

"Why thank you," Integra responded, with a blush. She took his hand and he led her to a secluded corner table. The other singles were still taking their seats.

"I'm James, by the way," he said as he pulled out her chair for her.

"Integra," she replied.

"I thought I recognized you."

_Someone has a stalker, _Alucard laughed.

_He looks familiar. Maybe I know him._

"Do you?" she inquired.

"The gym?"

_My… what subtle flattery…_ Alucard scoffed.

"I never go."

"Do you visit Bella Note often? That Italian restaurant around the corner?"

"I love that place. They have the best bread. Do you visit often?"

_I told you he's not a stalker, _Integra gloated, savoring the victory that eluded her earlier.

"Religiously."

_He neglected to mention why he goes there, _the vampire noticed.

Integra hated to admit it, but for what seemed like the millionth time that night, Alucard was right.

A waitress stopped by, offering them an array of appetizers. Integra swore James was psychic, for he handed her a small plate of vegetable spring rolls, the only offered food item she wanted. He grabbed another plate for himself. Halfway through their spring rolls, James's expression suddenly changed. "I know where I've seen you before. Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. You're the director of he Hellsing Organization!"

_Yep. Stalker, _the No Life King insisted.

_Would you shut it, Alucard? I need to know how he knows._

"Well you aren't running for the hills. Most people are a little put off by the fact that I hunt vampires," she said wonderingly.

"On the contrary, my parents were killed by vampires. I admire your work."

_Classic stalker backstory._

_He's not a stalker!_ Integra insisted reflexively. In all honesty, she was beginning to wonder.

"You're too kind," she replied politely. "But… how?"

"How did I know?" James finished. Integra nodded.

"I work for the queen. I handle covert funding, actually."

"Sorry about our budget."

_I have nothing to apologize for._

_The fact that you had to say it means you do._

_No it doesn't_, he retorted, his protests sounding infantile.

_One word. Moscow._

_That wasn't my fault!_

_Oh? So someone else flattened that apartment building?_

_I was trying to stop a rampaging vampire!_

_By throwing him into a building. I know. You told me._

_Next time you can fight the vampire then._

_Enjoy your cozy little coffin, then._

His response was barely audible. _Damn_. Integra glowed with pride. She had bested the legendary No Life King, the immortal vampire himself. Sure, it was in a battle of wits, but it was still something to write home about.

"Most of the issues are usually in a category labeled 'Alucard'."

She could almost feel the vampire flinch across their connection.

"No surprise there," she said dryly.

"I hear it's quite the interesting project."

"You have no idea."

"You leveled an entire Burger King."

_They said I could have it my way… lying bastards._

_That's no excuse for destroying their restaurant._

_That's no excuse for making me write an apology note._

Integra felt that had been one of her more satisfying punishments.

"The reports declared it wasn't an explosion or structural collapse. In fact, they said it looked like Godzilla himself had gotten hold of it," James added when Integra failed to respond.

_I am a fuck mothering vampire and I deserve some respect._

"They were mistaken. It was a poorly-timed gas leak." She tried to brush off the question. The trouble was, Integra was a terrible liar.

_Are you ashamed of me? Embarrassed? _Alucard demanded.

_You are still a state secret. I won't be locked up in the Tower of London for revealing your existence to the world._

"You don't have to lie to me, Ms. Hellsing."

"I'll keep that in mind."

The bell rang; time for another date.

"Lovely meeting you, James," she said graciously. Integra was genuine. Aside from the parts about Alucard, it really had been the best date so far.

"And you, Integra," he replied, gently kissing her hand.

_I don't understand why he's saying good bye_, Alucard laughed. _He'll see you tonight while you're sleeping._


	6. Date Four: Ted the Committed

Date 4: Ted the Committed

"Hey baby, we'd look cute on a wedding cake together," the man across the table said by way of greeting.

_The good news is he doesn't have commitment issues._

_He just has... different commitment issues, Alucard._

"I don't think I'm ready for that serious of a relationship," Integra replied, politely shooting her date down. She tried to keep a kind look on her face, but still looked a little stunned.

"How about just a date then?" he asked.

"I can do that."

"Ted," he said, introducing himself. "Can I buy you a drink?"

"Rum and coke?"

"Anything you want," Ted said with a smile.

_You know he still wants to marry you, right?_

_I'm not an idiot. _

_If you wake up in the morning with a ring on your finger and no memory of last night, don't come crying to me._

_I'm NOT an idiot_, she repeated. Still, Integra observed him closely as he flagged down a waiter and procured her a glass.

"Thank you," she said, only when she was sure her drink contained nothing out of the ordinary. "I haven't introduced myself yet. I'm Integra."

"What a beautiful and unusual name… Integra." Ted muttered her name to himself, letting the syllables roll over his tongue. She was both flattered and a little creeped out.

_One of the symptoms of autism is babbling_, Alucard mentioned snidely.

_He's not autistic, you vampiric asshole_.

_Well he's certainly not sane._

She had to give him that one. What kind of person proposes marriage before they even know the other person's name? Still, Ted was very nice, and certainly an improvement of the night's other dates.

"So Ted, do you have any hobbies?" she asked, genuinely interested for once.

"Well…I'm a bit of an amateur magician." He rubbed the back of his neck, his face an interesting shade of puce. Integra could tell he was embarrassed, but she thought it was kind of cool.

_Lame_, Alucard ignored the rude voice in her head.

"Do I get a demonstration?"

A look of relief flooded the suitor's face. His confidence was back. With a flourish, he produced a white handkerchief. "Only if I can use you as my lovely assistant."

He wrapped the cloth around his left wrist then place his other hand on top. "Now, would you please tie the ends around my right wrist."

_Oh don't indulge him_, whined the vampire. Integra, naturally, did exactly what Alucard told her not to.

She smiled widely, securing the kerchief in a tight knot. "Of course."

Ted tested his bonds. He held up a finger, requesting a moment, then turned his back to the Hellsing director. After a few seconds, he turned around. His hands were free. Looking quite pleased with himself, he twirled the handkerchief, now tied in a loop, around his finger.

_Please. He just manipulated the cloth a little. That's not magic. _Integra didn't care.

She clapped her hands, delighted. Ted wasn't bad for an amateur magician.

"I can also do that with handcuffs, by the way," he joked, his voice a little husky.

"You'll have to show me some time."

_Sir Hellsing! You naughty little girl. I had no idea._

_Shut up you insufferable wretch._

_I was merely implying that you had a wild side. It was a compliment._

_It was lewd and I will not stand for it._

_You do realize what you insinuated? _

Integra considered her previous comment and turned an interesting shade of pink. She simply doubted he would be carrying handcuffs at the moment, but… oh my. Oh dear! That wasn't something she should suggest in polite company!

_That's what I thought, _the vampire chuckled.

"I'd like that," Ted replied, happy to have his advances returned.

"Perhaps some coffee first," Integra added hastily. She threw in a wink, just to make it seem a little less like a rejection. Ted did seem like a nice guy…

"Oh, so you like coffee?" Ted inquired politely. Integra was simply going for a cultural reference, but as she considered the most recent times she consumed the beverage, she realized exactly how helpful it was around the organization. In fact, she credited it with keeping her awake and focused on many long nights.

"Yes, it helps me on the night shift."

"I can see that," the suitor agreed. "Where do you work?"

_For a secret government agency that hunts the supernatural_, the vampire mocked. _Describe his face to me, in detail._

"I'm a government employee." Integra had learned her lesson; she told a half-truth, only slightly better than an outright lie. On the other hand, she didn't want to scare this guy off like the others. He was promising, or perhaps her other dates had set a low bar.

_So what should I do with my day off?_ Alucard pondered.

_Where did that come from?_

_I'm sorry. It's just that your date -_ he yawned obnoxiously - _is so incredibly boring._

_I'm sorry my date bores you_, she spat back. _Maybe you should stop listening in._

"How about you?" Integra continued, eager to steer the conversation away from her unusual form of employment.

_I'm sorry. As dull as you are being, you actions are far more amusing than this dull basement you keep me in._

_I'm sorry. If I let you out, you'd probably eat someone._

"I'm an engineer. I design cars," he explained simply.

"What company?"

"Bently."

"Those are fantastic cars," she said, rather impressed.

_That's what I should do on my night off. Great suggestion, master. _

_Don't you dare_, she hissed.

"Glad you think so. Would you care for a ride?" Ted offered.

Ted proffered his arm to the elegant Hellsing director. Alucard, sensing the conversation move away from his distracting behavior, changed tactics.

_You see what he's doing, do you not?_ he demanded.

_He's being a polite gentleman. Yes I see that._

_He just wants to take you back to his place._

_Don't be absurd,_ Integra admonished. Ted was more of the marriage type.

_Well, Ms. Handcuffs, you certainly are oblivious._

She flinched at the mention of her previous slip-up. _I disagree with you. If he tries anything, I have my gun._

"We only have ten minutes," she laughed, politely shooting the man down.

"Another time, then."

_Does anything dissuade him?_ the vampire wondered.

_It's a charming quality._

_He thinks no means yes._

_He thinks no means maybe in the future, which in this case, he's completely correct._

_I'm shocked, Master. This one doesn't repulse you?_

_Not particularly,_ she said sourly.

_Perhaps it's just your species. Most of your kind I find quite irksome._

_I thought you found us quite delicious._

_Your orders keep me from acting on that opinion, Master_, Alucard reminded her.

"I have a day off next weekend," she proposed.

"I'd like that," Ted replied. "I'd like that."


	7. Date Five: Mike the Paladin

**Thank you Nitrogen920 for the idea. Yes, I do take requests. Before all you World of Warcraft nerds get too mad at me, note that I am one of you. Level 90 priest… and paladin… and hunter... 3. Sigh... pandas. But I do know people like this. And they scare me.**

**-Kano**

* * *

Date 5: Mike the Paladin

Integra sighed when the bell rang. Ted had actually been a nice date. He wasn't homeless and jobless, he wasn't lewd, he wasn't completely self-interested, and he wasn't a stalker. That in itself was a major accomplishment. She wondered who else this wacky night would throw at her.

She didn't have to wonder long. A smell wafted her way, and not a pleasant one. It reeked of body odor, the kind that only come from neglecting personal hygiene for weeks at a time. The kind that smells like even deodorant is too much effort. The kid that an entire bottle of perfume couldn't fix. It was as though Integra cut an onion and then rubbed it right on her face; it made her eyes water. And it only grew worse.

The stench intensified as a heavyset balding man, who Integra estimated to be in his thirties, walked toward her table.

_Please don't sit here. Please don't sit here, _she chanted internally.

He pulled out the chair across from Integra, who chanted harder. If only there were magic in repetition…

The disgusting… thing… plopped down in the seat. "You look ravishing," he said, in what Integra was fairly sure was supposed to be a seductive tone of voice. She wanted to retch, but forced herself to keep it down.

"Thank you," she replied hesitantly after a few moments.

"I'm Mike," the man replied. "Nice to meet you."

"In- Integra." She barely managed to get the words out. The smell was overwhelming.

_Are you crying, master?_ Alucard wanted to didn't reply.

_I'm going to assume your silence means yes. I know that guy is kind of… really hideous, but that's no reason to cry, _he continued.

'Kind of really hideous' was a mild understatement. Aside from the fact that he smelled about as appealing as a redneck roadkill barbecue, he was heavy. He certainly didn't have an hourglass figure, rather the opposite, in fact. It was as though someone had gotten winded half-way through blowing up a beach ball, resulting in a squishy, rounded blob. The man before her had the figure that only comes from a diet of beef jerky, hot Cheetos, and liberal amounts of Mountain Dew. His flabby stomach protruded from the bottom of his shirt.

Said shirt, much like the Grinch's heart, was three sizes too small. Integra suspected that it was white at one point. Now it was more of a creme color, with yellowed sweat stains under the arm pits. His pants, sweatpants to be accurate, looked ancient and in desperate need of a wash. Integra suspected that if the poor abused pants remained on his body for much longer, they would fuse with his skin.

Mike was older than most of the other people here, in his mid thirties, Integra guessed. It was only a guess, and quite likely inaccurate. His hair was throwing her off. Despite his age, he was already balding. What little hair he still had was greasy and unkempt. This probably contributed to the serious acne epidemic that plagued his face.

_It's the smell_, she explained. _He smells like a rotting corpse._

_Well that is one of the strongest weapons In your average ghoul's arsenal…_

_It's so much worse than that. I can't describe it._

Alucard chuckled darkly. _Like a fetid pool of refuse? Like a plethora of rotten eggs mixed with skunks who have rolled in carrion? Like fish lying forgotten on a dock for weeks? Like the stinking corpse lily… reeking of death?_

_Yes!_ Integra agreed. _He's disgusting._

Mike pulled out his smart phone as his date bickered with the voice in her head. He browsed the internet, clearly bored. Why anyone would subject themselves to speed dating when the clearly wanted to be elsewhere, Integra didn't know. All of a sudden, the chunky man swore loudly.

"Pardon me?" Integra asked, rather confused at the seemingly random cursing.

"They nerfed paladins again!" was the apparent explanation. Mike seemed rather distraught. The Hellsing director didn't see what a bunch of mythical warriors serving their god had to do with anything. And what the heck did 'nerfed' mean? Her hung open, confused.

"My paladin. They made him weaker," he explained in a tone one might use with a particularly annoying child.

_His paladin? _Alucard asked incredulously.

_That's what he said…_

Integra must have still looked confused. "My character…" Mike intoned, as if she were an idiot for not understanding.

_Does he have split personalities?_ she wondered.

_So far, they're all moronic._

"Are you stupid?" Mike insisted. "My level 90 paladin. It's a video game."

_That explains it,_ Integra sighed. It was so obvious! It was only natural that the solution had evaded her; she didn't play video games. When you shoot zombies for a living, animated violence just isn't the same.

_Bet you he lives in his mom's basement._

_I'm not dumb enough to take that bet._

"Oh I see," she responded lamely. "I'm sorry?"

"It's so messed up, you know?" Mike enthused, excited that Integra was taking an interest in his hobby.

"Yeah…"

_No. I have no clue,_ Alucard groaned. _That's the way I'd like to keep it._

"I mean it's like when we're raiding… my Judgement won't hit as hard."

_He uses his opinion as a weapon? _the vampire had to know.

_Well it is the internet…_

"And now my Crusader's Strike takes more holy power! It's so stupid!"

Integra's desire to punch the nerd grew. Thankfully he was interrupted by a phone call.

"It's my mom," he explained. "She probably wants to know about my rent."

_He really does live with his mom!_ Integra gasped.

_Does this mean I win?_

_No! I didn't take the bet!_

_But I was right, _the vampire insisted.

_Yes… you were right_, she conceded.

_Of course I was. I'm always right._

"But Mom!" Mike protested into the phone. "I'm not getting my paycheck for another two weeks."

_He's broke too. A real keeper_, Alucard chuckled sarcastically.

"I know, I know! I'll get a new job tomorrow."

_Yeah. They should _keep_ him locked up somewhere, _Integra sighed.

"Yes Mom. My date is going well."

Alucard burst into laughter.

_I think that's my cue to go hide in the bathroom. _

That's just what she did.


	8. Dinner and a Show

**Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, episode 3! I'm so excited! Tip of the hat to Takahata101 for the awesome episode. The Chris Sabat cameo was exciting… and the name he was credited under… just wow. As always, thank you to Annavance92, you petulant impudent contemptuous whore. (It's a term of endearment. No really.) Thank you to everyone for reading this Now time for dinner.**

**-Kano**

* * *

Dinner and a Show

Not thirty minutes later, Integra found herself huddled in a bathroom stall, hiding from terrible date… again. She sincerely hoped this wouldn't become a regular occurrence.

The Hellsing director stuck her nose out of the ladies' room with the utmost of caution. Thankfully, her chunky date was nowhere to be seen.

"I hope you're not hiding from me," a voice behind her said. Integra jumped so high, she almost hit the ceiling.

"James!" she gasped. She had been so focused on dodging Mike that she hadn't noticed one of her better dates strolling out of the men's room. He had incredible knowledge of things he shouldn't, but he seemed like a nice guy. Perhaps he could be useful… "Of course I wasn't hiding from you. My last date was atrocious."

"Mine was too. The crazed woman insisted on having thirteen children. Who discusses that on a first date?"

"I have no clue. One of my dates asked me to marry him."

"You're kidding! Tell me more," James requested, escorting her to a nearby table. From the appearance of things, it was time for dinner, with open seating. Integra was relieved that she wouldn't have to spend all dinner with Mike, or worse, Matt the pervert.

_Fantastic_, the vampire groaned. _The stalker is back._

_You know, you don't have to listen in on all of my dates_, Integra reminded him.

_I spend all day in a basement. On the rare occasions when I am set free, I am ordered to kill. Allow me to live vicariously through you, master. _

Integra always forgot just how pathetic her servant could sound. _Oh all right,_ she sighed. _I do owe you a night off, too._

_Now ask him if he owns a pair of binoculars. _

_Alucard!_ she reprimanded. _He's not a stalker!_

_That's what you think._

James pulled out Integra's chair for her. His gentlemanly actions made it easy for her to forget how unsettling it was that he knew so much about her. She thanked him graciously.

Integra continued to explain her horrendous dates. "One of them was so lewd. He turned everything I said into something raunchy!"

"Mine laughed like a hyena at anything. I asked her to pass the salt, and she cracked up!"

"The last one," Integra groaned, pausing to shudder, "hadn't bathed in weeks. He smelled awful!"

"The last woman I had to sit with started the date by reaching across the table and kissing me. Passionately. We hadn't even been introduced."

Integra's jaw dropped so hard, she was afraid it might have been dislocated. She almost preferred the marriage proposal. James wore an amused smirk.

"I don't think you can top that one, Miss Hellsing."

"No, you're right…" Integra murmured, still a little in shock. "What is wrong with these people?"

"They're just different."

_That's putting it mildly,_ the sadistic vampire chuckled.

_They're nuts! _Integra agreed. Then, out loud, she wondered, "Am I that strange?"

"Of course not!"_ Of course not!_ the two men replied in unison.

"Well I do work for a secret government agency… that's not normal," she protested.

"That's pretty cool. It's not strange," James insisted.

_Killing vampires is a badass job and you know it_, Alucard chimed in.

"And it's not like I'm experienced at dating…" she continued.

_You mean like the stalker's date? The one who assaulted him with her tongue?_ the vampire quipped.

"Neither am I," her date admitted, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

"Really?" Integra asked, sounding both surprised and a little hopeful.

"You're no stranger than I am," James said with a smile.

_You're pretty different, but if you examine your previous suitors, that is to your advantage._

_Thanks, Alucard_.

"Thanks, James," she said, smiling back.

The moment lingered for a few seconds, only to be interrupted by the clatter of plates as their dinner arrived. The event had, so far, been rather classy, minus the people. The main course was no exception. James had chicken parmesan, which was divine, judging from his silence. Integra had the filet mignon. She specifically requested that it be well-done. She figured that saw enough blood on a daily basis.

_How do you even eat that?_ Alucard had to know. _It looks so dry._

_It's delicious. You just don't like it because it's not rare._

_I prefer my meat mooing. Literally._

_So that's why those farmers insisted that they needed help from the Hellsing organization. Stay away from their cows._

_But Master!_

_No cows. I mean it._

_Oh fine._

"So Integra," James started conversationally. "Still won't tell me about project Alucard?"

"Must you bring it up again?" Integra sighed.

"I do sign your paychecks…"

"I suppose it can't hurt to give you a few details,"

_I thought you didn't want to be 'locked up in the Tower of London for revealing my existence to the world….'_

_Maybe we'll get more funding._

_All he has to do is give you a sad look. You're like putty in his hands._

_Don't be preposterous!_

_Says you…_

"Project Alucard is top secret," Sir Hellsing explained. "I can't reveal very much information, but I will tell you this: it revolves around one man."

_Oh stop,_ the vampire chuckled._ You're embarrassing me._

James was stunned. "One man wreaked that much havoc?"

"One very, VERY terrifying man."

"But… how?"

"That, my dear James, is my little secret."

"The military would be very interested in your little secret."

"As are you, apparently. That's all I shall say on the subject."

"My apologies, Miss Hellsing. Forgive my curiosity."

"I suppose I can do that," she said with a wink. "You are one of the better dates I've had tonight."

"Only one of the better ones?" he teased.

"Yep," she chuckled as she stood and pushed in her chair. "There's one that gives you a run for your money."

"Competition, eh? I shall have to kill him."

_I don't think he was joking, Master._

_Shut up Alucard._

* * *

**__Stay tuned for Integra's next date: Alex the Confused**


	9. Date Six: Alex the Confused

**This chapter took me less than two hours. I'm on a roll! **

**-Kano**

Date Six: Alex the Confused

The bell rang, informing the Hellsing director that it was time for her next date. She returned to her usual table and waited for her next date. A tall woman in a slinky red dress sat down across from her.

"Excuse me," Integra said, ever so politely, "but I think you're at the wrong table."

The black-haired woman checked her card. "Nope. Right table."

"Really?"

"Really. I'm Alex. Nice to meet you." The vixen extended her hand.

"I'm Integra. Good to meet you too." She shook the other woman's hand with a puzzled look upon her face. "I'm actually waiting for my next date," the blonde explained.

"That's so cute!" Alex giggled.

"Right…" Sir Hellsing was thoroughly mystified. She felt like she was missing something, a fact which was confirmed by the maniacal laughter filling her head.

_Would you be quiet, Alucard?_ she groaned.

_You still don't get it_, he wheezed between fits of laughter. _You really haven't figured it out._

_Excuse me?_

The vampire responded with more laughter.

"I like your dress," Alex offered. "It gives you an excellent figure."

"Why thank you! You're too kind," the director replied with a blush. It wasn't often that she received compliments. Of course, that probably had to do with the fact that she usually dressed - and acted - like a man.

_It's so obvious!_ he cackled.

_I have no idea what you're going on about._

"The detail is just so exquisite. I absolutely love it!" the raven-haired woman continued.

Alucard couldn't resist the quip. _She'd love it more if it were on the floor._

_Why would she want my dress to get all wrinkled?_

_My dear Integra, you are incredibly dense sometimes._

_Alucard, you vampiric asshole! Just explain it to me!_

He needed a moment to regain his composure before he finally said, _She wants to see you naked._

Integra still didn't get it. _Why?_

_She IS your date. _

A look of comprehension dawned on the Hellsing director's face.

"You're my date!" she said, surprise evident in her voice.

"What did you think I was? Eye candy?" Alex giggled.

"But… but… you're a woman."

_A very astute observation, Master._

"Yes I am. And so are you, just in case you were wondering," the cheeky woman teased.

"But… but…"

Alex extended a slender finger and placed it over Integra's quivering lower lip. "I'm bi, honey. And an unequal number of men and women signed up for tonight's event."

"Bi…" Integra mumbled the word as if she had no clue what it meant. She was, of course, familiar with the term, but simply flabbergasted by the turn of events.

_I approve of this one, Master. _Alucard interjected. _I think you should bring her home._

_Be quiet, you imbecile!_ Her patience was at its limit.

"But I'm not," the blonde continued.

"The company figures that some people are uncomfortable with admitting their preferences. Frankly, it's true, in my experience."

_Master? _Alucard chuckled. _Is there something you want to tell me?_

_I do not like women, Alucard. _

_What's not to like? The black-haired one is right: that dress enhances your features._

Integra suddenly wished that she had brought a jacket. Her chest felt very… exposed. She compensated by crossing her arms. Her actions did not go unnoticed.

_That's not helping the issue, Master. In fact, it's only making it worse._

"I'm sorry, Alex. I'm very comfortable with my sexual orientation. I prefer men."

"That's what I thought too, and then Allison came along…" she sounded wistful as she remembered her first love. "Truthfully, women have been more satisfying for me."

_She's blunt, a wonderful characteristic. I'm telling you, Master, this is my favorite date so far. _

_You just like the idea of me hooking up with a woman, don't you?_

_No…_

Integra was fluent in Alucard. In this case, no meant yes.

"I wouldn't know," Integra admitted.

"I'd be more than willing to show you."

_As would I… _Alucard hinted, about as subtle as a giant among dwarves.

_She… you… I…_ Integra was so frustrated that words were beginning to elude her. _I'm not sleeping with you either. _

_I wasn't proposing that you choose between us_…

Integra finally understood what he was implying: a raunchy three-way with a homicidal vampire killing machine and a bi-curious woman she had only met today.

"No thank you," the Hellsing director snapped, both at her subordinate and her date.

"We understand each other's bodies better. It's a more pleasing experience for everyone concerned."

_And I am quite concerned,_ the vampire insisted.

_This is none of your business. I am not going to sleep with Alex. _

_Did you have another woman in mind?_

_No! I like men. Men!_

_Men? So you were interested in the threesome idea after all._

Integra cursed her choice of words. _I like men. One at a time._

_That's no fun._

_I don't care what gives you your kicks,_ she spat. _My sex life is none of your concern._

_Think of it as the porn station on television…_

Integra resisted the desire to slam her face into the table with rage. Despite her sexual preference, Alex had been nothing but polite to her. Integra knew it wasn't fair for her to take out her frustration at Alucard on the poor woman.

"Would you care for a drink while we wait for our next date?" the Hellsing director offered.

_Perfect. If you get her good and drunk, she'll be more open to unusual things._

_Irrelevant. I'm not having sex with her. _

_Oh come on! I'm bored!_

_You'll just have to find some other way to occupy yourself._

"I would love one," Alex agreed. "Whiskey!" she informed the bartender. "Wild Turkey, if you have it."

"Excellent taste!" Integra nodded, approving.

_I think you'll find that you have more in common than you thought._

_I don't care if she turns out to be my long lost twin sister, Alucard. It won't impact my decision._

"I only like the best," Alex chuckled as she poured them each a glass. Integra had to admit that so far, her date with another woman had been better than some of her other dates. At least Alex took an interest in her personal hygiene…

As Integra took a long sip of her preferred beverage, she noticed something… unsettling. James was at a table several feet away. As she glanced his way, his eyes pointedly wandered the room. It was clear that he had been staring at her just moments before. Didn't he have his own date to focus on? Perhaps Alucard was right. Perhaps James had an unhealthy interest in her.

As the bell rang and Integra changed seats, she was sure to take the long way, avoiding James's table entirely.


	10. Date Seven: Mason the Paranoid

**Disclaimer: I still do not own Hellsing, just in case anyone has forgotten. I also do not own the following insane ideas. Someone else came up with them. I merely found them on the internet, wikipedia even. I do not know (or care) if they are 100% correct. **

* * *

Date Seven: Mason the Paranoid

After Alex, Integra was positively ecstatic to see a man waiting for her at the next table. She gave him an awkward wave, but he wasn't looking. His eyes followed a fly circling the room, looking for the remains of dinner. Integra sat down anyway. Her date didn't seem to notice.

The Hellsing director coughed, ever so softly to gently notify him of her presence. Still, the man across from her seemed oblivious. She followed it up with a louder cough, and another, and another, each increasing in volume like the crescendo of an orchestra. It was of no avail. It began to sound as if she was dying of influenza, yet she was past the point of no return. Summoning all her strength into her diaphragm, Integra gave the loudest fake cough that she was capable of.

The entire restaurant fell deathly silent as all eyes turned to the Hellsing director. Integra felt like that unfortunate soul with uncomfortable bowels who unleashed a massive fart during a moment of silence in honor of the dead.

_Graceful as ever, Master_, a snide voice in the back of her head chuckled.

She sheepishly rubbed the back of her neck, cheeks on fire. "Sorry," she whispered.

That one word did what no amount of fake coughing could, alerting her date to her existence. He started so violently that he actually fell from his chair. The stares intensified. "When did you get here?" he gasped, still on the floor. "Damn teleportation…"

"About two minutes ago," she sighed. She abandoned her seat and helped the poor man up. He mumbled his thanks as his eyes again locked onto a target: her wrist.

"But where is your teleportation bracelet?" he demanded.

Integra sincerely hoped he was joking, but the earnest expression he wore made her doubtful. "The aliens took it…" she jested nervously.

"Those slimy Yerg!" he growled, slamming his fist on the table.

_You attract the most interesting gentlemen,_ Alucard laughed.

_I'm beginning to wish I repelled the entire sex._

The blonde woman took the comment silently, instead taking the opportunity to return to her seat. Her date did the same. He then leaned in and whispered, "I like your skin."

Integra involuntarily shuddered.

_Judging from your previous dates, he probably wants to make a coat out of it._

"Thank… you…" Integra replied, now a little scared.

"The untrained masses will never guess your true form," he whispered again.

"Then how did you guess?" she whispered back.

He pointed to his bespectacled eyes. "Your companions gave them to me."

_I wasn't aware that I had companions… _

_Then what do you consider me, Master?_ Alucard wondered.

_At the moment, annoying._

"My true form…?" She couldn't stop herself from asking.

_Brilliant. Encouraging the nutcase, _the vampire mocked.

_What else am I going to do for the next ten minutes?_

_What are you going to do when he starts measuring your skin for his new coat?_

_Isn't that what I keep you around for?_

_Last time I checked, I was confined to this infernal basement. It's rather difficult to protect you from here._

_Fine. You can leave if - and only if - I am in danger. _

_Good. Now tell him you're a yordle or whatever._

_Why on Earth would I provoke the delusional man?_

_What else are you going to do for the next ten minutes?_

"How could my companions get such a gift to you?" she inquired, trying to keep from smiling. "They are imprisoned by those American dogs at the place they call… Area 51."

"I knew it!" the crazed man gasped. "The legendary prison!"

_I thought it was some military science facility_, Alucard pondered.

_Some nutters believe the Americans are hiding aliens there, but their military claims that it's just a research facility, like you said. _

"Exactly!" Integra agreed. "We need to help them escape."

"I don't know… we can't trust those military types."

"Why?"

_This answer is going to be stupid, isn't it?_ Alucard groaned.

_I expect no less._

"They've been planning all sorts of terrorist attacks for the Anunnaki."

"The Anunnaki?" Integra asked skeptically.

"You were the one who warned us humans of them!"

"I'm testing your knowledge. Now tell me what you know of the Annunnunnki." She stumbled of the pronunciation of the ridiculous alien race.

"The Anunnaki?" her date verified.

"Yes. Them."

"Well they're lizard people who feed off of our fear, guilt, and aggression. They want to steal Earth's precious metals to make themselves better at trans-dimensional travel and shapeshifting. Oh! And they've killed our top politicians and shapeshifted into their forms so they can control our politics."

_Whatever he's on, I want some,_ Alucard demanded. _It would sure liven things up down here in my lonely basement of solitude. Where I'm by myself. And no one visits._

_Yes, yes. I'll visit your basement more often. Seriously though, his eyes aren't bloodshot. I think he's actually this crazy._

_You humans are ridiculous creatures, but this… this is unbelievable._

"And the Annunaki bred with the Nordics to create a race of human slave masters, the Aryans."

_Aliens caused the Holocaust. He has to be kidding. _

_He's just so… earnest,_ Integra protested. _I think he actually believes it._

_Can I eat him?_

_No! Although it might benefit the human race…_

Integra's curiosity got the better of her. She had another question. "And what of my race? Tell me what you know of us."

"You are one of the Anchara, and you inhabit the moon. You built it as a base to observe the planet that was once between Mars and Jupiter."

_Gee, and I always thought it was made of cheese_, the vampire snickered.

_That might be more realistic…_

"You battled for control over it with the Atlanteans and drove them from the solar system," the nutcase continued.

"Tell me one thing, kid," Integra interrupted. "Your name."

He looked at her hesitantly, as if names held no value.

"Names give us power over you. They let us speak directly into your mind," the blonde woman clarified.

_How very original_, Alucard sneered telepathically.

Ignoring the vampire, she continued on. "It will let us contact you, should we need the help of someone so… enlightened." It took loads of self-control not to laugh at the last word, but somehow Integra managed.

"You may call me Mason."

_Mason? As in the Free Mason conspiracy? _Integra seethed. _His parents were crazy enough to name him after a delusional theory?!_

_Well, Master, _the vampire smirked, _the apple doesn't fall far from the tree._

* * *

**Weep for humanity. This was loosely based on real conspiracy theories that people actually believe. Alien Hitler was not my idea.**


	11. Date Eight: Chris the Gentleman

**The end is in sight! There will be three more dates, the dessert course, and an epilogue (not necessarily in that order) and I know how each of these chapters are going to play out. Probably the most advanced planning I've done for a fic lol. Then I run out of ideas for Hellsing fics…. PM me if you have any suggestions. **

**One last thing, to those guest reviewers and PM'ers who 'sincerely hope that I don't very all gamers' the same way as I view Mike the Paladin from Date 5… If you had read the author's notes (kinda preaching to the choir, aren't I?), you would know that I play World of Warcraft, and last time I checked, I don't emanate any kind of stench or rant endlessly about my level 90 characters. I am a proud gamer currently working through AC3 and belatedly… Borderlands 2. I think most of us have met someone like Mike before, but I have absolutely nothing against gamers… or conspiracy theorists, or homeless people, or anyone else I've mentioned in a date. **

**Cheers,**

**-Kano**

* * *

Date 8: Chris the Gentleman

Integra's next day stood when he saw her walking his way. He rushed to pull out her chair for her. The Hellsing director blushed. While it was normal for her to receive such treatment, it was usually from Walter, her butler. That didn't quite count.

"Thank you," she said graciously. "I have to admit, you're the first gentleman to do that for me this evening."

"My apologies, miss," he said with a wink. "My kind can be such pigs. I'm Christopher Walker, or Chris to most people."

"Lovely to meet you Chris. I'm Integra."

Chris returned to his seat, straightening his tie. "Can I order you a drink?" he offered.

"Just water, thanks," she replied, certain that she'd already had enough for one night. Integra shuddered to think what she might do if she were to become truly inebriated. She might end up going home with one of the unfortunate pigs she had met tonight - not that Chris was a pig, of course. He seemed to be quite the catch, at least so far. Then again so did James at first. How _did _that guy know so much? It was rather unnerving.

Integra snapped out it when a waiter placed a glass of ice water before her. She mumbled thanks.

"So Miss Integra, what are some of your interests?" Chris inquired, starting the usual song and dance.

"My interests?" she asked, pausing for time. What on Earth did she do that wouldn't scare the living daylights out of the man.

_Tell him you hunt vampires. That will go over well, _Alucard suggested snidely.

_I do things beside hunting vampires!_

_Like hunting werewolves and homicidal priests?_

_Like… like… reading,_ she finished lamely.

Alucard was skeptical. _What was the last thing you read?_

As a matter of fact, it had been a dossier from the Vatican on a vampire from their territory that had crossed into southern England, and was therefore now her concern. Apparently she took too long to formulate an answer, for the vampire that was very much her problem began to chuckle.

"Sherlock Holmes," she answered, which seemed rather unrelated now that she remembered the question. "I love to read mysteries, especially Sherlock Holmes."

"Arthur Conan Doyle is a brilliant author," Chris agreed.

"I just finished _The Hound of the Baskervilles_."

_Sure you did_, the vampire said, voice dripping with sarcasm._ I'm fairly sure Baskerville ate your copy… I seem to remember telling him that he had surpassed his namesake._

_You fed my book to a dog?!_

_What? You told me not to let him eat people. So I settled for feeding him leather. He likes leather._

Since the book was already devoured, Integra decided that it was a moot point.

"I never expected the stolen shoe to be relevant. It seemed so random," Chris continued.

"But it came back at the end! I was so surprised," Integra enthused.

_It wasn't that surprising…_ Alucard muttered. His master ignored him.

"I have to know. Which Sherlock Holmes story is you favorite?"

Integra mused for a moment before finally answering, "I know it's not the most popular, but _A Study in Scarlet_. It was the start of Holmes' adventures."

_I had no idea you read… well anything other than dossiers and research_.

"I'm partial to the other end of his life. 'His Last Bow'… when he goes over the cliff… I thought my heart was going to stop for sure."

"It was so dramatic! And then Sir Conan Doyle brought him back, of course. That was a little saddening to me."

_Seriously,_ Alucard wondered, _when do you find the time to read?_

Normally Integra might have come back with something like 'It's amazing what I can do when I don't have to babysit a vampire' or 'Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.' For the first time tonight, she was having an excellent conversation with an intelligent and rather good looking gentleman, and she was damned if she was going to allow Alucard to ruin it.

"But you liked _The Hound of the Baskervilles_," Chris insisted. "That's the very novel where he comes back to life."

"Well technically he never died," Integra clarified.

Alucard gave a well practiced maniacal laugh. _Of course he never died. You humans are so… breakable. A mere plunge off a cliff is a death sentence._

Integra ignored him, as if she had found Alucard's mythical mute button. The vampire was growing frustrated. He had been alone for many years, hated and abused by his masters. He had thought that this one was different, growing accustomed to her attention. Like a large, blood-drinking, fear-inducing puppy, the No-Life King craved attention, any way he could get it.

"But they needed to think he was dead in order for him to solve the case," she continued.

"I was just excited to see another Sherlock Holmes mystery," Chris admitted truthfully.

"Me too!" Integra agreed as they both dissolved into fits of flirtatious laughter.

_You sound like a bunch of drunken hyenas,_ Alucard muttered. His comments were becoming increasingly louder and more desperate-sounding.

"Okay, okay," Integra wheezed, clutching her sides. "I've told you about me; now it's your turn. What are your interests?"

_Don't tell me you actually care about his interests… _the vampire groaned.

"I'm a big martial arts buff," he confessed sheepishly.

"Don't be embarrassed!" Integra chided. "The martial arts are exciting and practical!"

_You would care about practicality…_

"What styles?" she continued, speaking over the vampire's snide comments.

"I learned Krav Maga in Israel."

"I've never been! I'm so jealous!"

"I know Aikido and Judo as well."

"Impressive. I would not want to run into you in a dark alley."

"I… I wouldn't mind, actually," Chris admitted, his cheeks suddenly rosy.

_Well if you don't want to talk to me, then maybe I'll just go,_ Alucard sighed.

_Whatever, _Integra replied hastily. _Now be quiet._

_Maybe I will…_

The bell rang, signaling the end of their date. Both parties sighed, but then a thoughtful expression crossed Chris's face. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pen, seizing Integra's hand before she could leave.

"May I?" he asked. Integra wasn't quite she what he was seeking permission for, but for some reason she trusted the man and gave a solemn nod. He uncapped the pen with his teeth and wrote a ten-digit number on her hand.

"Call me sometime," he winked as he re-capped the pen. "I'd love to do this again."

The vampire cursed softly.

* * *

**Thank you to the reviewer who pointed out that I accidentally used an actor's name. Whoopsies...**


	12. Dessert

**Only three more chapters to go after this one. The end is in sight! Remember that new story idea… well here it is: Integra gets kidnapped and taken to the Vatican, forcing Alucard to visit his least favorite city in the world to rescue her. I've written over 4k words of the first chapter already. That's like four chapters of this story! I expect it to be out around Monday the 10th.**

**-Kano**

* * *

Dessert

Integra was never one to appreciate music; she found it impractical and a waste of time. Despite that, she found herself humming a merry tune as she strolled away from Chris's table. The event host's voice blared over the speakers. It was time for the dessert buffet.

A three-tiered devil's food cake caught her eye from across the room, beckoning seductively. She delicately bit her lower lip. The moist chocolate looked positively tantalizing. She had put up with countless tortures tonight, and she really deserved a treat, right? Integra gave in and headed to the buffet, letting her high heels click across the wooden floor as she wove in and out of the mingling singles.

"I noticed you staring at me from across the room," a husky voice murmured in her ear as she grabbed a plate. _I must be hungry_, she thought. _My food is talking to me_. Then something dawned on her. The cake was speaking in James' voice. Why would that be? Integra's eyes widened as she realized her folly.

"James!" she gasped, nearly dropping her plate. That hungry way she'd been staring at the buffet… in retrospect, that could have been misinterpreted. From the look on James' face, it had. He stood right in front of the glorious pastry, eyes alight with amusement.

The Hellsing director cursed up a storm in the confines of her mind. Even when they were sharing appetizers, she had begun to suspect that Alucard's wild accusations about James' stalker tendencies weren't as baseless as they seemed at first glance. Speaking of which, it was unlike the loud-mouthed vampire to keep silent at a time like this. Shouldn't he be telling her "I told you so" or wondering what the heck was so appealing about chocolate or something? She would worry about it once she escaped James.

"Actually I was looking at the cake," she admitted truthfully and conveniently. "It looks delicious, doesn't it? Would you be so kind as to grab me a slice?"

He acquiesced, taking her plate and returning it shortly with a slice of chocolatey goodness upon it.

"I understand," the government accountant teased. "I am… I mean it is… pretty irresistible."

To avoid answering, the Hellsing director shoved a piece of moist cake in her mouth with all the poise and grace of a raccoon digging through a dumpster. That gave her an idea: _perhaps if I'm disgusting, he will leave me alone_. She mumbled something through the chocolatey deliciousness, spraying chunks of saliva-coated devils' food all over the man. James merely pulled out a handkerchief, wiped his face, and said nothing of the matter. _Damn_, she swore internally, _back to the drawing board._

"This cake is amazing," Integra insisted, bits of brown coating her teeth and gums. "You should try some." Without warning, the dignified director shoved a fork-full of cake into her unwanted date's mouth and forced the plate into his hands. He was caught off guard, nearly dropping the plate to the ground. When at last he held it firmly in his hands, the crafty blonde woman was gone.

Integra ducked beneath the waterfall of white silk, taking advantage of her suitor's preoccupation to hide beneath the desert buffet and its merciful tablecloth. Alucard's radio silence was beginning to really unnerve her; it wasn't like him to miss this golden opportunity to mock her.

"Can I help you, miss?" a confused waiter asked patiently, sticking his head under the table. Though he was polite, it was clear that what he really wanted to ask was, "Why the hell are you under my table?"

Integra jumped so high that her head hit the bottom of the table, causing the dishes and platters above to clatter ominously. Where the heck had that waiter come from?

"No thank you," she whispered, careful not to give away her presence, though her jump of fright had probably done so already. What she really wanted to say was, "Just don't ask."

The waiter gave her a strange look, but politely withdrew. Integra strained an ear, listening for any sign of James' voice. When she heard nothing, she cautiously peered from beneath the billowing tablecloth, its fabric resting on the top of her glasses. A pair of brown shoes halted in front of her, and Integra had to bite her tongue to keep from screaming in frustration. They belonged to James. He offered her his hand, saying, "and here I thought you'd run off on me."

Integra laughed weakly. _That was the impression I was trying to give! _she screamed internally. Again, she wondered why Alucard had nothing to say on the matter.

She ignored the proffered hand, rising to her feet of her own power, clutching a napkin as an explanation for little adventure under the table.

"I grabbed you another piece of cake," James said with a smile. "Would you care to sit with me?"

_Is there a point to saying 'no'?_ Integra wondered. She doubted it, and begrudgingly accepted James' invitation. Mercifully, her cell phone rang right at that moment.

"Sorry, I have to take this," she apologized. _Not_.

James scowled and watched as she rushed outside, answering her phone as quickly as she could. "Hello? This is Sir Hellsing."

"This is Chris. From a few minutes ago," replied the voice on the other end of the line. Integra felt her heart skip a few beats. "I… well... you looked like you could use an escape."

"Thank you so much," she said fervently. "I really can't thank you enough."

Bells jingled as the cafe door opened once again. "You're welcome," Chris chuckled, still holding the phone to his ear as he stepped outside into the cold.

"You are a lifesaver," Integra said gratefully as she hung up her phone went to drop it back in her purse. _Damn_, she groaned. Her purse was still inside. She was going to have to venture back in there..._  
_

"Normally I would have waited a few days to call you, but this seemed like a great excuse to give into to my impatience."

"Normally I would have waited a few days to ask if you wanted to get out of this place and go grab some coffee, but you just saved me, so I'll make an exception."

Before Chris had a chance to answer, the door jingled open yet again, and to their unpleasant surprise, James joined them outside.

"Is this guy bothering you?" he asked, jerking his thumb at Chris.

Chris snorted with laughter; it _was _rather ironic that the stalker thought someone else was being a bother.

"You think annoying the lady is funny, jerk?" James spat.

Chris sighed. "Integra, am I bothering you?"

An ominous laugh from the shadows made both of the suitors visible shiver. Integra jumped three feet in the air; she alone recognized the laugh. _Oh dear. Not him._

The newcomer possessively draped his arm over Integra's shoulder.

"Ladies, please. You're both pretty," Alucard chuckled.


	13. Date Nine: John the Family Man

Date 9: John the Family Man

"Who the fuck are you?" James spat.

Chris chipped in as well. "I have to agree. Integra, who is this guy?"

"He's… he's my brother," she answered hastily, saying the first lie that popped into her head.

_Your brother? Really? _Alucard groaned. _That was the best you could come up with?_

The vampire had a point. "He's adopted," she amended.

_We look a bit… incestuous,_ she realized in retrospect, noticing her servant's arm amorously draped over her shoulder.

_Apparently I'm adopted. We aren't ruining the gene pool._

_It's still weird!_

_You lead a secret government organization that hunts vampires and you're calling two adopted siblings who love each other weird… Pot calling the kettle black, if you ask me._

_I didn't,_ she seethed. Why was he here, really? He had spent all night protesting that every last one of her dates was terrible for her, even dangerous. He was simply abiding by his curse and protecting her, right? Was he so sick of his basement room that he over-dramatized the situation to give himself a reason to come find her?It seemed like something he would do...

"He looks more like your boyfriend," James said skeptically.

"The annoying guy is right," Chris agreed.

"Who are you calling annoying?" the other date growled, balling his hands into fists.

"So long as it's not me you're insulting, I really don't care," Alucard interrupted. "Now if you'll excuse us, I'll be taking my _sister_ home." He said the offending word with as much malice as he could possibly muster.

"Sorry _brother,_" Integra replied with equal malice, "but my purse is inside." The blonde snaked out of her servant's protective grip, running inside with as much speed as she could muster in her high heels. She would have to be quick; knowing Alucard, the situation outside could turn violent at any moment.

Unfortunately, there was one slight issue: she had no idea where her purse was. Happy singles inside had already settled down to their tables and their second to last dates. A quick scan of the room revealed two lonely woman sitting across from empty chairs, presumably Chris and James' dates. Likewise, there was one lone gentleman sitting at the table Integra had last occupied. She noticed the black leather strap of a purse dangling from the back of the empty chair.

Integra sighed and walked across the room, her heels clicking across the hardwood floor, and then sat in her chair. She would just have to hope that her servant could refrain from killing the two gentlemen outside, or at least Chris.

_Is it really that difficult to find a purse?_ Alucard groaned impatiently in the back of her mind.

Speak of the devil…_I became a little sidetracked,_ she informed him. _I'll be outside in fifteen minutes. Don't kill anyone._

She could practically here the vampire sighing from here. _Yes master. _

"I must apologize for my lateness," she started. "Thank you for waiting."

"No problem," the be-spectacled man replied. "It gave me a chance to text my son."

"Oh you have a son?" Integra inquired. She wondered how old her date was. He didn't look a day over thirty, and he was probably closer to twenty-five. Was it normal for people that age, her age, to have children? She was beginning to feel like an old maid.

The man pulled out his black leather wallet and flipped it open to the picture of a smiling red-haired child. "My son JJ," he explained. "It's short for John Junior."

"Then that would make you John Senior, no?"

"That's me," the father said with a smile.

"He looks just like you," Integra complimented. "How old is he?"

"Five. Just started kindergarten this year."

_Well there's a relief_, Alucard laughed.

Integra had no idea what he was talking about. _What?_

_I just pictured you trying to deal with a baby. It wasn't pretty. _

_That's what I have servants for. _

_You would leave an infant to me? That's like handing me a snack and telling me not to eat it._

_You would eat a baby?!_

_They taste kind of buttery-_

_I don't want to know! Remind me to keep you away from elementary schools._

_But then where am I supposed to find Anderson and his Catholic friends?!_

She tried to suppress a snicker.

"That's a great age," she said, replying to the father's questions.

"I'm a little scared, to tell you the truth. He asks the most intuitive questions, and I don't think school is going to help that. Why just yesterday he asked me why cutting onions makes you cry. I don't know!"

Integra giggled politely. "What did you tell him?"

_I would have told him to behave like a man and not let a vegetable move him to tears. _

_That, Alucard, is one of many reasons why I am very glad you've never reproduced._

_And I suppose you would be a better parent?_ he laughed. _Ridiculous._

_Absolutely! You would probably give a kid a gun._

_Am I not supposed to?_

_Of course not! _she bellowed. _They're kids._

_Who apparently can't defend themselves. _

_That's what they have parents for!_

_Well you would probably just create another you: bossy and stuck up._

_Shut up!_

_See?_

"I told him that the smell was what made me cry," John laughed. "And then my wife walked in the room and…" His voice trailed away as he realized his fatal mistake.

The Hellsing director heard a faint jingle; someone had opened the door. She presumed it was just Chris or James coming back inside and ignored it, instead choosing to give the cheating bastard a piece of her mind.

"No go on," Integra prodded, her voice suddenly icy. "What did your wife say?"

"Ex-wife, actually."

"Your son asked you this… yesterday, you said? The divorce process must be awfully efficient these days."

She continued on without giving him a chance to respond. "Does your son ask you questions about the strange women you bring home when his mother is out?"

"Does he ask you -"

Integra stopped mid sentence when a familiar peal of laughter broke out. She turned her head so fast that she almost broke her neck. Alucard was seated at a table not too far away across from a ravishing blonde beauty. She gritted her teeth together, trying to squash the uncomfortable feelings growing in the pit of her stomach and return to her composed director facade.

The excitable event host rang the bell, signaling the end of her mockery of a date. Integra rose without another word, resisting the temptation to throw something when she spotted Alucard graciously kissing his date's hand.

* * *

**Stay tuned for the next chapter: the final date.**


	14. Date Ten: Jake the Short-Lived

**One more chapter to go! I'm both excited and a little sad, so I prolonged it a bit by making this chapter three times longer than it was supposed to be.**

**Shameless plug no jutsu! Just a few days ago, I started my next story, Tautology, which I have been talking about in the past few author's notes. If you are enjoying this story, then I encourage you to go check it out. **

**Your favorites and reviews are always appreciated. Thanks so much for the support!**

**-Kano**

* * *

Date 10: Jake the Short-lived

Integra flopped into a chair at the table where she was supposed to meet her final date. A waiter kindly brought her whiskey on the rocks, which lasted all of thirty seconds. After the night's events, she was quite eager for this date; after all, this was the last dreadful date she would have to meet. A blonde-haired gentleman… well perhaps that wasn't the best description... a blonde-haired man, she supposed, moved to sit across from her. His hair was actually quite impressive, Integra decided. She had never seen such a stunning recreation of a rats' nest created with human hair before. Between the gauges the size of bracelets, the tattoo of a dead hooker down his left arm, and obvious lack of daddy's affection, Integra could already tell that this date was going to be par for the course. _Nine down, one to go._

She opened her mouth to speak just as he began to sit, but his backside never connected with the chair. The blonde found himself lying on the floor, wide eyes staring up at the ceiling in utter shock. The chair itself was a foot to the left, noticeably lacking an occupant. Instead, a familiar figure grasped the back of the chair, smirking widely.

His usual coat had been swapped out for a suit jacket. His hat had been left at home, though his gloves remained. His long hair, usually disheveled had been… gasp… combed and pulled back into a neat ponytail. His crimson eyes flashed with amusement as he sat on the chair formerly belonging to the little blond man, who was staring up at him in pure terror.

"If you don't mind, this is my seat," Alucard said with just a suggestion of malice. The man slated to be Integra's date crawled away on all fours as fast as he could manage, whimpering softly.

"Alucard, you vampiric asshole!" Integra chided. "What was that for?!"

"I was just saving my master from what was doomed to be a waste of her time," he chuckled, clearly proud of himself.

"He seemed perfectly nice," she lied for the simple pleasure of disagreeing with her servant. The Hellsing director had to pinch her knee under the table to even get the sentence out.

"Master, from the looks you were giving him, my interference was absolutely necessary. You would have killed him by now."

"I have more self-control than that!" she insisted. Alucard simply snorted.

"This coming from the guy who tries to eat people for breakfast," she shot back, perhaps a little louder than necessary. People at the surrounding tables were starting to give them odd looks. Integra put her elbows on the table and leaned forward, dropping her voice to a whisper but retaining all of its intensity. "Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!"

"You eat instant oatmeal. Your culinary palate isn't the gold standard."

Despite the drop in decibels, Integra noticed that their conversation was still drawing interesting looks, most dangerously from one person in particular.

_Look, Alucard_, she said telepathically, nodding over the vampire's left shoulder.

"Look where?" he sighed, disinterested.

_Keep it down!_ the Hellsing director hissed.

_I could care less if these ridiculous people heard us._

_James! James, you idiot! He's listening to us._

_Good! He could use a healthy fear of me._

She pointedly stared into Alucard's eyes to avoid the searching glance of her unwanted date. _He's looking this way!_

"How about that weather?" she said loudly in a strange, halting voice.

The vampire raised an eyebrow at her.

_We look strange just staring at each other and not talking,_ Integra explained.

_Well you look strange talking about a subject that bores other people to tears. _

_Fine. You pick the topic._

"So… do you want to come back to my place later?" he asked with a devilish grin.

It took all of Integra's willpower not to ram her face into the table out of sheer frustration. _Firstly, we live under the same roof. Secondly, most girls wait until the third date._

_Maybe you just haven't been dating the right women. Have you talked to Alex - _"Ow!" he whined out loud. Integra had just walloped him with her purse. "What do you keep in there? Rocks?!"

"Mace. For people like you."

_Was that really necessary?_ Alucard demanded.

_I've seen you take far worse damage, _she said nonchalantly. _Besides, how else would you expect a lady to respond to a question like that?_

_Yes?_

Integra shook her head; he was impossible. _No._

_Don't look now, master, but the stalker is coming up behind you._

"If you cease such behavior, maybe we can have a cup of coffee together," she babbled in a poor attempt to be a normal couple.

Alucard looked Integra straight in the eyes. "I would enjoy that, Miss Hellsing," he replied, serious for once.

The Hellsing director felt her cheeks grow a little warm. So he did have the capacity to be a gentleman after all.

Before she could enjoy the moment, however, an overly-familiar hand caressed her shoulder.

"Integra Hellsing," James greeted cheerily, blatantly ignoring Alucard. "Would you mind if I sat down?"

"I'm sorry James. I'm on a date," came the curt answer.

"With your brother?" It _was_ the lame explanation they had given outside, and they were forced to abide by it.

"My original date… had to leave," she grimaced as she begrudgingly pulled out a chair for him. "Alucard was just being kind and keeping me company."

His eyes widened at the mention of the vampire's name. Instead of taking the chair he asked for, James explained, "I won't be here for long. I just wanted to apologize for being so clingy tonight, though we barely know each other. But you're such a catch and I didn't want to see you taken by any of these pathetic men." His eyes flashed toward Alucard, whose eyes narrowed angrily. "Can I buy you a drink as an apology present?"

Maybe it would convince him to leave… "Sure," Integra agreed. "Rum and coke?"

"You got it." With that James stood and pushed in his chair, heading towards the bar.

The Hellsing director heaved a huge sigh of relief as her stalker walked away. They had survived another meeting without anyone leaving in a body bag. It was unprecedented… which reminded her…

"Alucard, what happened outside? Where is Chris?"

She was deprived of an answer when the lights went out and a patch of colored lights flicked on over the dance floor.

"Alright happy singles!" the cheery blonde announcer called into the microphone. "Your final date is over. Did everyone have a good time?"

A few people cheered half-heartedly, and the announcer's plastic smile faded ever so slightly. "Well before we finish up tonight, the dance floor will be open for another half-hour to give everyone plenty of time to exchange information and set up those second dates!"

The cheering was more enthusiastic, and the small wooden floor was swarmed like the last donut at an office meeting.

"What did you do to Chris?" she repeated over the thumping bass.

"He had to go," the vampire replied tersely.

That was suspicious. "Did you scare him off?" she demanded.

"No!" The vampire sounded like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He vehemently denied the obvious truth while sounding shocked and appalled that he was ever suspected.

"Then what _did _you do to him?"

"He found the sibling explanation… unconvincing."

"And?"

"I gave him another."

"Alucard!" she hissed, trying to keep her temper in check. "What did you tell him?!"

_You probably don't want me to repeat it out loud._

Integra grimaced, removing her glasses to rub the bridge of her nose. _Just say it,_ she sighed.

_I explained that we were married, and that we had an argument._

_Dammit Alucard! I wanted a second date with him._

_Sorry,_ he apologized. His words were apologetic, but his tone was practically gleeful.

_Did James buy it, at least?_

The man in question was returning to their table with one single glass and an odd look on his face. _I don't believe so._

James set the drink down in front of the blonde woman. "Enjoy," he said. "And see you around."

That was it. He left.

_Or maybe he did_, Integra pondered cheerily. _To no more James_, she toasted, taking a big swig from her glass.

_That can be arranged, master._

_Alucard! What have I told you about disposing of people?_

_That I'm not allowed to._

_That's right. I expressly forbid you to harm James._

The vampire muttered darkly, but said nothing.

Integra downed her glass just to fill the ensuing awkward silence, hiccuping loudly as she set it back onto the white linen tablecloth.

_You know, master, it is probably unwise to drink from an open glass given to you by an insane person._

_Probably, but after a night like tonight, I simply can't pass up a good drink._

_Think of all the things he might have done to it._

_I think I'd be able to notice if my drink had been tampered with_, she said in a patronizing tone.

_Really?_ the vampire asked skeptically. His master wasn't the most perceptive person...

_Really, _she insisted.

_Did you notice that your rum and coke is mostly rum?_

It _was_ a bit strong, she supposed. _So?_

_Has it occurred to you that your stalker friend is trying to get you drunk?_

It hadn't, as a matter of fact. _Why are you so concerned, anyway?_

_Just be careful, dammit, _the vampire grimaced, avoiding the question like a seasoned politician.

Again, a strained silence fell between them, punctured only by the rhythmic beat of the music. Integra soon found herself watching the growing mob on the dance floor, socializing like a bunch of teenagers at a high school dance. Alucard's eyes too were drawn to the swaying bodies, she noticed.

Ted was on the floor, dancing his heart out, poorly she might add, with a seemingly lovely lady. She was happy for him; he was a nice, if forward, guy and deserved a nice girl. Mike, thankfully, sat in the corner on his cellphone, presumably checking on the state of paladin. No one needed to see him shake his moneymaker, at least not if they wanted to keep their dinner down. Chris was noticeably absent.

Matt, her lecherous date from earlier in the evening, was sandwiched in between two scantily clad women, having what appeared to be an artistic seizure of dance. One of them appeared to be Alex. She would bet her bottom dollar that it would be an... eventful... evening for them.

"You should go join them," he teased, jerking his thumb toward Alex and Matt.

Integra rolled her eyes at his lewd implications. "I think I'll pass," she said sourly. "Besides, with the way Matt is dancing, he's going to injure someone shortly."

"I wonder if he has epilepsy."

"I wonder if he has a pick-up line for that..."

"Wanna come back to my place and turn on some strobe lights?"

Alucard's comment reached Integra's ears just as she was taking a sip of her drink. It was very nearly sprayed all over his neatly-pressed suit, but the blonde woman managed to contain herself. She swallowed the last of her rum and coke without incident, giggling as she set the empty glass down.

"It's a rare occasion when I get to hear you laugh," the vampire commented. "It's pleasant. You should laugh more often."

"Homicidal vampires don't usually inspire laughter," she explained.

"You don't find it funny when the creatures that bill themselves as invincible immortals are torn down by one of their own. That's usually why I laugh."

"I hate to break it to you, Alucard, but you aren't exactly the textbook definition of normal."

"Neither is that guy's dancing."

They took a moment to savor the poor inebriated gentleman's attempt at the worm, which might very well have resulted in some broken teeth.

"Oh dear, another seizure," Integra joked. "We're going to need some paramedics in here."

Alucard crossed his arms over his chest, muttering something under his breath with a frustrated look on his face.

"I didn't catch that," the Hellsing director said, knowing full well the comment probably wasn't meant for her.

_I said James will need a paramedic if he continues this behavior, _he threatened telepathically.

Integra spotted James talking to a black-haired woman in a far corner. She was trapped between the wall and the man, and neither of them looked happy.

"Does his treatment of women really make you that angry?" Integra asked, confused.

"His treatment of you, master, makes me angry."

"So he's talking to another woman. I'm okay with that, really."

"You can't hear their conversation."

"What are they saying?"

"If I repeated it, I might just lose my temper."

It was the last thing any of them wanted.

"Why don't we just leave?" Integra proposed. "I'm done here."

Her vampiric companion nodded, and rose. The Hellsing director moved to do the same, but had to steady herself on the table. The ground seemed to dance beneath her feet; the room seemed to spin. Maybe she had more to drink than she thought... Alucard grabbed her by the arm and escorted her to the door, but someone blocked their way.

"Leaving so soon?" the perky event host asked.

"Yesh. It was a loverly event," Integra said, slurring her words ever so slightly and swaying where she stood.

_You're drunk, master._

_I'm not really as think as you drunk I am._

_Right. Let's get you home._

_I don't wanna!_ Integra whined with the force and determination of a three-year-old's temper tantrum.

"There's only one more dance left," the announcer said. "You two seem like such a wonderful match. There's no better way to end your first date than with a little romantic dancing."

Integra cringed. Dancing brought back bad memories of horrible bruises and two left feet. Alucard seem equally as disenchanted, judging by the venomous expression he gave the cheery event coordinator. Regardless, she grabbed them each by the hand and led disgruntled pair to the dance floor.

"You can thank me later," she called over her shoulder as she rushed away to guard the door from any more fleeing couples.

Sure enough, the club music ended and the DJ put a slow song on to end the night. It was smooth jazz. An alto saxophone played a soft melody, then began to improvise an ornamented version. Master and servant found themselves trapped by the swirling bodies and by the perky event host on guard duty. With a shrug, Alucard offered Integra his hand.

Integra felt her cheeks blaze as she placed her hand in his, which naturally made the vampire smirk.

"You're blushing, master," he noticed.

"Am not!" she lied. "It mush be the lights." The vampire raised an eyebrow at the slurred words. It was clear that they unsettled him.

The Hellsing director took a step, trying to nonchalantly get into position for their dance. Unfortunately instead, Integra tripped over her own shoe and fell with the grace only a drunk person can obtain, right into Alucard's chest.

"A-are you unharmed, m-master?" he stuttered, putting his arm around her waist to prevent her from falling to the floor.

Alucard? Stuttering? Even on this most unusual of days, that was unusual behavior, Integra noted, palms pressed against pecs. Was he flustered? Had _she_ flustered him? The room suddenly seemed unbearably warm...

"Perhaps we should sit this one out," he suggested, making an attempt to lead her off the dance floor.

"No!" she protested vehemently, a little more forceful than necessary. "We... would look odd."

"Fine," Alucard agreed, a little too quickly. He gingerly placed a gloved hand above her hip and she hesitantly laid her delicate hand on his shoulder. They then clasped their remaining hands together. Taking great pains to avoid any kind of eye contact, the two awkwardly swayed in place, barely moving.

Alucard wasn't half bad at this, Integra decided. She, however, was exactly as bad as she remembered. It also wasn't helping that the room was swirling around her like a hurricane despite the fact that they were barely even moving. Her shoes felt like bricks strapped to her feet, scraping across the floor. She was very grateful that her vampiric dance partner, arrogant that he was, didn't try to show off and spin her, or some other fancy nonsense. She was convinced that she would lose her dinner in the process.

The mere thought made her go from dizzy to nauseous. She covered her mouth with her hand and broke free of Alucard's grasp. _I'll be right back_, she told him telepathically, too afraid to open her mouth. The Hellsing director stumbled toward the ladies room as fast as she could, taking an unintentionally winding path. Taking her place in her regular stall, she just voided the contents of her stomach all over her shoes. The dizziness overtook her, and she collapsed to the floor.

* * *

**Stay tuned for the final chapter.**


	15. Finale

**Hey everyone,**

**It's a little later than planned, but here is the final chapter of Forever Alone. I have to say that I had far too much fun writing this story, and I'm very sad to see it end. Thank you as always to AnnaVance92, my partner in crime and my beta reader. My sincere thanks to everyone who has been reading, especially to those of you who took the time to leave a review or send me a PM. **

**I have plans in the works to continue Tautology. I'm also starting another new fic, Flesh and Blood, where Alucard is forced to infiltrate a monastery under the guise of a Catholic priest to track down a vampire hiding inside. It promises to be equally as ridiculous as this story. **

**Again, thank you for all your support,**

**-Kano**

* * *

Finale

Tik... tok... tik... tok... The clock was driving Alucard up the wall. His master had been in the bathroom for nearly twenty minutes. He didn't know what she was doing in there, but it sure wasn't powdering her nose. He was beginning to worry.

James and the black-haired woman began to bicker softly in the corner again. He had to suppress a growl; they were discussing Integra... again. Apparently he wasn't the only one who had noticed her disappearance. The pair had been observing Integra closely for the last half hour or so, ever since...

The drink! James had brought her a drink. Alucard reached across the table and sniffed the empty glass. Dammit! He hated when he was right; this explained everything. The slurred speech, the lack of coordination, the dizziness, even Integra's latest visit to the bathroom... Integra wasn't drunk. She was drugged.

He shot a venomous glare toward the stalker. James would suffer for this, but later. Finding Integra and getting her out of here was his first priority. He headed for the women's restroom. Inside, he was surprised to find that it was a mirror image of the men's room, minus the urinals and plus a baby-changing station. He was also surprised to find an elderly waitress swinging an oversized purse toward his face. Alucard felt a sudden desire to string the aged woman up by her hand-knitted scarf and use her as a pinata, but he had a sneaking suspicion that his master wouldn't allow it. With a sigh, he let the bag hit strike his forehead. It hurt more than he suspected. Did she keep bricks in there or something?

"Get out of here, you pervert!" she hollered as pieces of pulverized brick trickled from her massive purse onto the tile floor. At her scream, the stalls flew open and the ambush was sprung. Several other women joined the fracas, insulting him with sharpened tongues and brandishing shoes and purses at him. So much for not causing a ruckus...

"Get off me, hag!" the vampire groaned, cursing himself for following orders. He shoved the elderly ringleader back and into the other furious women's room patrons, taking the opportunity to flee out the door. Alucard pressed his back against the cold, wooden surface, trapping the angry mob inside. After a sigh of relief, he noticed something else: a roomful of people glaring at him and the blonde event host marching toward him with her hands on her hips.

"I'm sorry sir, but you need to leave," she informed him with the pomp and false authority of a student council president. Though Alucard was dying to find out if her head actually was filled with air, he mildly surrendered. If he couldn't be here as Alucard, at least not if he wanted these people to survive, then he would be back as someone else.

Integra blinked her eyes rapidly. Where was she? Her head buzzed like a hive of angry bees, and her stomach was in similar shape.

"Get off me, hag!" a familiar voice demanded. Integra found herself lying on the floor, face to face with an elderly woman who had just landed on top of a few other ladies.

"You perverted bastard!" the crone hollered as she got back to her feet. "I'll get you!" She tottered toward the door, yanking at it with all her might.

Integra shook her head as the ladies finally forced the door open and charged out in a furor. She was thoroughly confused about the whole situation, but more importantly, about how she wound up sound asleep on the tile.

The door creaked open, and the piercing shriek of poorly lubricated metal reverberated between Integra's ears. She clutched her head, letting out a weak gasp of pain.

"Poor thing!" a voice soothed. "Are you okay?"

The Hellsing director opened her eyes to see another woman peering at her beneath the stall door.

"I don't think so," Integra groaned back. "Would you be so kind as to help me to my date? He's in the other room. Tall, long black hair. Intimidating - "

"Oh that one." Apparently the last descriptor had hit home. "I think I saw him walk outside. Let's get you up and I'll take you to him." The black-haired woman offered her hand to the prone blonde, who accepted it. Stabilizing herself against the stall, the samaritan counted, "And one... two... three!" She heaved. The blonde woman was launched off the floor like a potato from a cannon, crashing into the wall outside the stall.

"There we go," the black-haired woman said with a smile. She threw Integra's arm over her shoulder and her own arm around the director's waist for support. Together, the two stumbled out of the restroom and into the dining room.

Integra jammed her eyes closed as they exited the bathroom. The blinding lights of the dance floor were not helping her growing headache. It seemed oddly quiet... then she remembered that she had rushed to the bathroom during the final dance. It seemed like ages ago...

"Do you see him?" she asked her new friend.

"Nope. Let's check outside."

"Maybe he's just lurking in the corner."

"He's not there. Trust me."

"Can we just check?"

"Outside! I'm sure he's there." The black-haired woman steered her outside, still protesting. Integra had to admit that the cool air made her feel a little better. She tentatively opened her eyes peering into the dark. This... this didn't look like the front of the restaurant. It was some sort of loading dock, and Alucard was nowhere to be found.

"I don't see him," she mused.

The black-haired woman rolled her eyes. "So gullible," she sneered, dropping the Hellsing director to the ground.

"I did my part, James," she called into the night. "Now give me my pay."

He sauntered out from the shadows, grinning widely. "Excellent work Natasha," he commended. He clutched an envelope in his hand, and held it out to her.

She smiled like a kid in a candy store and rushed toward her prize. James gave it to her... right in the stomach. He shoved the envelope at her, crumpling all but a few inches against her dress. Natasha gurgled, but grabbed the envelope. When she pulled her hand away, it was covered in bright crimson.

James pulled the envelope back, smirking arrogantly. From the wrinkled mess protruded a blade, sparkling in the moonlight. He tossed the envelope to the ground carelessly, exposing the knife it had concealed.

"You... traitorous... bastard," she wheezed.

"Thank you. You're too kind," he laughed, wiping the bloody blade on his victim's dress. Natasha crumpled to the floor.

James switched gears, standing over Integra. "As for you, Miss Hellsing... well let's just say I have a few questions that can't be answered here."

The waiter brushed his brown hair out of his eyes. It was time for a haircut, he thought. As he parted his bangs, he paused. A girl with the most beautiful blood-red eyes was staring at him, a worried look on her face. She had long black hair, perfectly straight, peeking from underneath a white fur cap. Her skin was the palest white to match.

"Excuse me," she said, looking into the waiter's eyes with her best doe impression. "Have you seen my sister? She asked me to pick her up. I guess she had too much to drink..."

The waiter's eyes roamed the nearly-empty restaurant. A few staff members milled about, cleaning up after the speed dating event they had hosted that night.

"Does... does your sister work here?" the waiter asked, tugging at his collar. Had it always been this warm in here?

"No!" the girl replied. "She was here on a date. Do you mind if I look around?"

"Of course not!"

Alucard smirked triumphantly, rushing toward the bathroom. The angry old bat would never recognize him in this form. He burst through the door. "Integra?" he called. There was no response. The stall doors all hung open, but he looked inside every last one of them. His master was gone... again.

Integra? he asked, trying telepathy for what seemed like the millionth time since she fled to the bathroom. All that came back was silence, the mental equivalent of radio static.

Then he smelled it. It was an unmistakable scent, tangy and bright, and absolutely delectable.

Blood.

Integra felt light-headed, but she doubted it was from the alcohol or from the drugs that James must have dropped in her drink, that bastard. No, the dizziness was because she had just watched a woman, albeit a kidnapper, be murdered before her very eyes. It was bad enough that she saw the corpses of vampire victims on a daily basis. It was always very simple: the humans were unfortunate and the vampires were evil. Humans killing humans though... it made her doubt that her profession was as noble as she felt it to be.

She barely struggled as James picked her up and put her in the backseat of his van, tying her ankles and wrists. Integra cursed herself for not seeing the stalker connection sooner. Alucard warned her, but all night long, she'd been ignoring him. He was ultimately right about all of her dates (except maybe Chris), had warned her about accepting James' drink, and had even predicted that tonight would end in tears. Dammit! He was always right.

Alucard? she tried to ask telepathically. Her brain felt like it had been wrapped in a wool blanket; she wasn't sure that he could hear her. Please, Alucard! Find me.

He didn't respond. Integra wanted to kick something, but wasn't sure how coordinated she was. Either way it wouldn't serve a purpose. She tried to focus as the drugs threatened to overwhelm her and put her back into an unwitting sleep.

The next time the van braked for a red light, the Hellsing director used the opportunity to flop to the floor and hide behind the seats. Integra thanked her lucky stars that James had bound her hands in front of her body. She reached up and unfastened one of her earrings, tossing the small fastening aside. She had hated these earrings the first time she wore them; the long post the went through her piercing was sharp, and kept stabbing her. It was fortunate that she had worn them tonight.

Integra took a deep breath to steel herself as she positioned the sharp jewelry over one of her fingertips. Alucard was an ass, yes, but he looked out for her. She was sure there was one thing he would never ever fail to notice, a surefire way to lead him to her. Integra stabbed her finger.

Alucard phased back into his regular form. He had missed his crimson coat when he donned the monkey suit earlier in the evening. He had missed it even more when he wrapped himself in his feminine form's furs. It was good to be back.

What wasn't good was what awaited him outside. His nose never lied; there was blood out here, but it wasn't Integra's. The black-haired woman that James had been plotting with lay bleeding on the sidewalk, a vicious stab wound on her stomach. She lay still, unbreathing. He knew that James was a creepy person from the very first moment Integra began speaking with him, but he hadn't expected the man to go crazy and stab his ally.

The wind shifted, rubbing a plethora of new scents across his nose. There it was again: blood. This time, the scent was familiar, the blood he had tasted so many times, the blood that had sustained him in recent years: Integra's. And it was on the move.

The van pulled to a stop outside of a home in the suburbs. Integra guessed that they had driven for about ten minutes, but then again, she was fading in and out of consciousness as the drugs messed with her mind. James opened the back of the van and helped her out, or more accurately, dragged her out protesting.

"You're... You're a jerk!" she slurred, stumbling out of the van. "Alucard... he's going to find me."

"So Project Alucard is a he, is he?" James chuckled. "Do go on."

"You kidnapped me to talk about Alucard? At least buy me a drin- … oh." He'd already done that, hadn't he?

"Who wouldn't want to control something... or someone... with enough power to destroy a building? Alucard wouldn't happen to be your... oh what did you call him? Brother?"

"He's not my brother!" Integra laughed. Had she been in her right mind, she probably would have kicked herself for saying that exact thing. "Where'd you get that idea?"

"If he's not your brother, then who is he?"

"He's my servant."

"You control Project Alucard. Well then I'm even more excited that I brought you home with me. You see, I have plans for him."

The Hellsing director snorted, then hiccuped loudly. "Good luck with that. Alucard is a death sentence for plans."

"But he -"

"He blew up a Burger King."

"I already told you that wasn't my fault!" a baritone voice protested.

"Alucard!" James and Integra gasped in unison, though with varying degrees of joy.

"James," the tall newcomer responded cordially. "I heard you had some questions about me."

"Many," the kidnapper responded. "Let's start with... what are you?"

The vampire took several deliberate steps toward the man, smirking widely. His smirk widened into a grin as James' own expression became one of a threatened animal. The kidnapper slid Integra in front of him; he had caught a glimpse of Alucard's sharpened, pearly-white fangs, designed for puncturing human skin.

"Do you really want to know?" the vampire asked softly.

James gulped, but nodded solemnly.

"Let Integra go and I'll tell you," Alucard promised. "Anything you want to know."

"Tell me everything I want to know, and I'll let her go," the kidnapper countered, purposely shifting his weight so that the gun shoved into the waistband of his pants was clearly visible.

"My name has been thrown about far too often these days, stories of my strength. They say I glide through oceans of blood. They call me Night-Walker, beyond human, a monster whose powers radiate with a darkness that casts a shadow upon darkness itself."

"Excellent! That's just what I -"

"But those are just rumors," Alucard finished, taking a step toward the terrified man hiding behind a woman. James took a step back, dragging Integra with him. Rumors or no, Alucard's presence was unsettling.

"S-s-stop right there!" he ordered. With his free hand, he pulled the gun from his belt and brandished it at the vampire. "I m-mean it!"

Alucard, as usual, didn't listen. He took another step toward the frightened kidnapper. From there, it devolved into a perverse form of a tango; Alucard would move forward, and at the same time, James would retreat.

"Last warning!" James whimpered, aiming his gun right at the intimidating rescuer. His hand was trembling, but with the distance between the two rapidly closing, aim was unlikely to matter. Bang! The kidnapper fired a shot, right into Alucard's chest. It cut into his body like a knife through butter. Bits of flesh splattered high into the air, and blood seeped from the wound staining his crimson coat an even darker shade.

A chilling sound rang out in the night: Alucard was laughing. The main reason was the look on James' face when he realized that the bullet hadn't so much as phased the man marching toward him. He fired again, burying a whole clip into the vampire's body. Bullets ripped chunks from his face and embedded themselves in his gut in a horrifying scene, yet he still kept walking toward the man holding his master hostage.

Out of ammo, James chucked the pistol. It bounced ineffectively off Alucard's skull, and then the kidnapper lost it. "You're not human!" he shrieked.

"That may be the first intelligent thing you've said all night," Alucard spat, closing the distance between them. His hand moved with vampiric speed, wrapping itself around James' throat and lifting him into the air. James choked and spluttered, his hands clawing at the arm suspending him and his toes reaching for the ground while Integra stumbled behind her protector. Alucard smiled widely, showing off his fangs.

"Vampire!" James gurgled pathetically.

"Brilliant deduction," Alucard sneered. A rogue bullet had torn the flesh from his jaw, baring bone and teeth. His cheek had been severed from his facial structure and now revealed its moist flesh to the outside world as it hung from his batter jawbone. Ribbons of shredded skin dangled beneath his ear. He was every inch a living nightmare.

"Yes, you blithering idiot. I am a vampire," the No-Life King confirmed. "What tipped you off?"

James continued to struggle for his freedom.

"Was it the red eyes?" Alucard asked, glaring at his helpless prey.

"Was it my strength?" Alucard demanded. The would-be kidnapper gasped for air as the vampire's grip tightened over his windpipe. He tossed the pathetic man to the ground and heard the satisfying crunch of bones.

"I will hazard a guess and say it was my fangs," he scoffed at the newly-injured man. Alucard bent his knees and crouched by James' side.

"You are one lucky terrible excuse for a human being," the vampire sighed. "Integra hates it when I kill humans."

A flicker of hope shone in James' eyes, soon replaced by puzzlement and fear. If Alucard wasn't going to kill him, then what was he going to do? The vampire extended his index finger and placed it on the prone man's forehead. He could feel the coward trembling underneath his gloved hand. Alucard watched the kidnapper's eyes glass over and a drop of drool form at the corner of his mouth.

"I am a huge idiot," Alucard said, loudly and proudly.

"I... am a huge idiot," James parroted in a faint voice.

"I am a complete moron," the vampire stated.

"I am a complete moron," James repeated.

"I am a stalker," Alucard said with a chuckle.

"I am a stalker," James mimicked.

"See, master! What did I tell you? He's a stalker!" the smart-ass vampire said gleefully.

His master had nothing to say to that; in fact, she had nothing to say at all. She lay on the cold ground, still and unmoving, forgotten in the conflict. Alucard was by her side in a heartbeat, shaking her shoulder gently.

"Master! Integra!" he called. "Are you unharmed?"

Her eyelids fluttered open, revealing her sapphire irises. She couched faintly as her face contorted into a confused expression. "Alucard? Why are you here?"

"Because you attract the worst types of men," he replied sardonically.

She rubbed her head, feeling an egg-sized lump. She must have struck it when she passed out. "That's hardly relevant when I have you around."

The Hellsing director sat up and grabbed her glasses from where they lay in the dirt, putting them on. She then looked around, paused for a moment, and asked, "Where are we?" She gestured at James, bleeding on the ground. "Who is he?" Then she grew very cross. "Alucard! What did you do?"

"All you need to know, master, is that I was right and you were wrong."

"You didn't answer my questions!"

"I know."

"Alucard, you vampiric asshole! You will tell... me..." Integra's protests faded away as she stared at James' face. The night's events started to come back to her. "His name is James."

"Yes," the vampire confirmed, helping his master to her feet. "Let's get you home."

"He... he kidnapped me!" She stomped over to the injured man, glaring angrily at him. "How dare you?!" Integra seethed, giving him a sharp kick in the shins. She then turned to Alucard. "What did I tell him?"

"Hey James!" Alucard shouted down at him. "Did I mention I'm a vampire?" He watched the man begin to sweat, but Integra elbowed him viciously.

"Stop giving away state secrets like Halloween candy!"

"What? I'm just going to wipe his memory anyway." He turned back to James. "I easily kill you with both arms tied behind my back. Would you like to see?"

"Cut it out!" Integra ordered. "And wipe his memory."

"Yes master," Alucard sighed, reaching down again. Integra grabbed his wrist.

"Alucard would enjoy eating you for breakfast," she whispered to the prone kidnapper.

"This is why I respect you," Alucard chuckled, his words full of pride and admiration. "Say, Integra?"

"Yes?" she asked inquisitively.

"I won a bet earlier tonight. You owe me a night off."

Her forehead wrinkled as she tried to remember. Everything was still a bit hazy, thanks to the jerk lying on the ground. "I seem to remember something like that..."

"Would you care to spend it with me? Now?" he proposed. "We could torment this pathetic piece of filth for a while, then turn him over to the police..."

"Alucard," Integra said with complete seriousness, "That would be my best date tonight."


	16. Bonus Chapter: Coffee

**A/N: When I originally started this story, I considered having Seras be the main character. I ended up deciding that prim and proper Integra would be more fun to mess with, but I always wondered what it would be like with Seras, so today, for Valentine's Day, I thought I'd write out a bad date featuring Seras.**

**Thank you for making this one of the top-200 most reviewed Hellsing fics out there. I'm glad my asinine antics are amusing ^_^**

**-Kano**

* * *

Coffee

"So how would you like to come back to my place for coffee?" the man propositioned.

"I... don't really like coffee," the perky blonde responded in her charming Cockney accent.

"Tea?" he tried persistently.

"No..."

"Milkshakes?"

"No."

"Water?"

"Sorry, no."

The blonde woman didn't appear to be phased by the exchange, but then again, nor did her suitor.

"Perhaps it's time to drop pretenses," he mused softly, his voice dropping into a husky tone. He reached across the table and took one of her neatly manicured hands in his, gently kneading the soft skin with his thumbs. "How would you like to come back to my place for -"

If Seras had been more socially aware, she might have realized that getting a drink with a man had certain... connotations. But she wasn't, so flushed as his proposition suddenly began to make sense, and screeched, "No!"

So _that_ was why he was so intent on buying her a drink, which actually explained her conversation with Pip that morning. She had been hoping that the Frenchman would ask her to do something for Valentine's Day, but all he seemed to want to do was offer her beverages, when he knew full well that her master was depriving her of anything liquid in hopes that she'd turn to blood to quench her thirst. She really ought to apologize for shooting him down.

"I think I have to go," she explained hastily and rushed outside. Her hands were already in her purse, searching for her tiny black cell phone.

_Police girl..._ came a reprimanding voice in the back of her head. _Do I have to remind you why we're here?_

_No, master,_ Seras responded, telepathically transmitting her answer back into the senior vampire's mind. The last thing she needed right now was to disappoint someone else close to her in less than twenty-four hours. _I'll find that vampire. Just...give me a moment._

_What on Earth do you need a moment for? I haven't got all night,_ Alucard groaned. Seras knew her master wouldn't be pleased to wait, especially tonight. He was in an unusually huffy mood thanks to Sir Integra's plan. Alucard certainly didn't take well to being ordered around, and just to rub it in, the fiendish Hellsing director had forced her pet vampire to go undercover as a butler as they tried to ferret out their vampiric prey. Seras could see him now, glaring at her through the windows, dressed in an impeccable tuxedo, complete with coattails.

_I'll just be a moment,_ she promised. Her neatly manicured fingers clicked and clacked on the buttons of her phone as she typed out an apology to the French mercenary and pressed the send button. The draculina waited for a few moments, hoping for a response and frowned in disappointment when it didn't come. Maybe he was mad at her for being so dense.

_I feel like a penguin, police girl,_ the impatient vampire said snappily. _If I have to stay in the damnable outfit for any longer than necessary, I _will_ break something._

It was a threat she knew he would carry out. The only question would be what he would destroy, not if. With a heavy sigh, she checked her phone one last time before heading inside. It was no use; the screen was dark. Seras put her shoulder to the door and pushed it open, but instead of feeling the warm air of the restaurant, she felt the firm flesh of a human body.

"Sorry," she murmured in apology, without looking up.

"I'm afraid I'm going to need more than that, _mignonette_," the voice said in a distinctly French accent.

Her eyes shot up, and sure enough, there he was. Though she was tall, especially in her heels, he was still taller. His long, carrot-red braid trailed over his shoulder and down his back. And as always, he held a lit cigarette between his lips, despite the no smoking signs plastered at every doorway. Her blue eyes locked with his one functioning eye, and her face lit up with recognition. "Pip," she said excitedly, throwing her arms around his neck with gusto.

Reconsidering, she returned her arms to her side where they hung awkwardly. Seras took a step back from the mercenary, 'leaving space for Jesus' as they had taught her in school.

"What are you doing?" The comment came not from Seras, wondering why the Frenchman had showed up to help on their mission, but rather from another blonde, short-haired woman. "Get your hands off my date!"

Date? _Date?!_ Seras let the word sink in. Pip had a date. Pip was on a date. The draculina jumped back like she'd been burned, stammering an apology.

"You better be sorry, you hussy," the other woman hissed.

"Sorry, Melina," Pip said in a voice as smooth as honey. "Our table is ready, though."

Melina shot Seras a look of death over her shoulder as she grasped the captain's hand and allowed herself to be led toward a corner table. Seras stuck her tongue out.

_Very mature, police girl,_ mocked the vampire from across the room, where he was pouring champagne for a couple so engrossed in each other that they looked as though they'd been forcibly bonded in some sort of horrific super glue accident. The look of disgust on the vampire's face said it all. _Since your date was far from successful, why don't you go sit at the bar and make yourself useful?_

It was a good suggestion, though provided in a scathing tone. Seras sat down on a barstool, adjusting her light blue dress as it rode up her thighs.

"Something to drink, miss?" the bartender asked her.

"I'm fine," she assured him, though the man looked at her strangely. After all, who sits at a bar without any intent of drinking?

"A pretty girl without a drink?" the gentleman next to her chimed in. "That won't do. Have anything you like, my treat."

Seras turned to look at the man. He had a mop of dark hair which hung into his face and shrouded his eyes, though if she had to guess, Seras would say that he wanted it that way. His clothes gave off a strange vibe as well. They were neat and pressed, but worn, and the style of them hadn't been popular in her lifetime.

If Seras had been more socially aware, she might have realized that said drink came with certain... connotations. But she wasn't, so she smiled widely and said, "Thanks," so as not to seem rude. "Iced tea."

"Iced tea?" he asked incredulously. "Please! You're being too kind to my wallet." He flagged down the bartender and ordered. "A martini, dry," he said, then turning gesturing to Seras, "and one for the lady too."

"You didn't have to," she said with a polite smile, "but thanks."

The bartender was back shortly with two wide-mouthed glasses full of the clear liquid. "Cheers," the man said, raising his glass. The draculina had no choice but to clink her glass against his and raise the glass to her lips. As she did so, she spotted a particular carrot-red braid across the room, laughing loudly at something Melina had said. Just as she moved to take a swig, she became aware of a cold hand on her shoulder. Their glasses lowered as they both stared at the newcomer.

"I'm afraid you have a dirty glass," said the server, a ticked-off Alucard. "Allow me to fetch you another." He unceremoniously ripped the glass from her hands, sloshing a little on her dress. Seras shot her master an annoyed glare as he headed off to the kitchen without so much as an apology.

"How rude!" she muttered darkly. The taste of alcohol would have been a pleasant way to get Pip's cheery face out of her mind, but her master just had to interfere.

"What horrible service," her fellow patron agreed. "We should report him to his manager."

Seras did not want to know exactly how or why none of the other servers in this restaurant had been questioning Alucard's presence, but from the fearful way they averted her eyes, she decided it was probably for the best. "It's okay," she said in an attempt to discourage the man. "I don't think that's necessary."

"You know..." he started, suddenly looking pensive, "I have a washer and dryer back at my place, if you'd like to get that stain out. It's only a block away."

"You don't have to," she replied. "I'm sure it'll be fine."

"Nonsense," the man replied. "I insist. It would be my pleasure."

Seras bit her lip and thought about it. It seemed like the man really did want to help her. She shot a glance at Pip, still laughing away on his date with Melina, and set her jaw.

If Seras had been more socially aware, she might have realized that going back to a man's apartment under any pretenses had certain... connotations. But she wasn't, so she smiled widely and said, "Well okay then."

"After you," he said, politely gesturing toward the door, lagging several steps behind as she walked out.

_And just where do you think you're going,_ Alucard hissed, spying her exiting the building as he carried several laden trays of food towards tables full of happy couples.

_My date was a bust, master,_ she explained._ And I'm not making any progress on the people at the bar. I'm going to clean my dress. Besides, I'm sure you can handle one vampire all by yourself. _That was the way to get something out of Alucard: flattery, no matter how subtle.

_Well, I am quite good at exterminations,_ the vampire conceded.

_And Captain Bernadotte is here if you need help,_ she added.

_I don't need that sissy Frenchman's help,_ he spat. _Fine. Just get out of here._

Seras smirked, pleased with herself, as the kind man from the bar led the way to his apartment. At the same time, however, she felt the soft vibration of her phone attempting to get her attention from her purse. A quick glance at the screen revealed the name she least wanted to see: Pip. She tossed it back in her purse without a second thought.

The man was right. It was only a short walk to his place, filled with awkward silence and strange shared glances. Frankly, the draculina didn't quite know what to make of it. He was so chatty back at the bar... something was off, but before she could put her finger on it, it was up three flights of stairs and inside a door emblazoned with the black characters '103'. Desperate for a few more seconds to think, Seras bought time and privacy the only way she could think of. "I'm just going to go freshen up," she said.

If Seras had been more socially aware, she might have realized that 'freshening up' had certain... connotations. But she wasn't, so she smiled widely and found her way to the bathroom. She could hear her phone buzzing angrily in her purse, like a swarm of pissed-off bees. The draculina kicked it, assuming it was Pip again, and ignored it. Something was off; the whole situation was wrong. What was it, though?

After a few minutes of futile pondering, she flushed the toilet and turned on the sink, actions necessary only to maintain appearances. She opened the door, only to receive the answer to her questions. There, sitting on the couch, was the man from the bar missing one crucial thing: pants.

Seras promptly retreated into the bathroom like a turtle into its shell and reached hurriedly for her cell phone. On it flashed several messages from Pip, all along the lines of 'What are you thinking?!' and 'Don't go!'. She just had to ignore him, didn't she? Her fingers flew over the keys as she dialed Pip's number, turning the shower on to hide their conversation from prying ears.

"Bonjour?" he answered.

"Pip!" Seras gasped in relief.

"Excuse me for a moment, Melina," he said faintly, with the phone at arm's distance Seras presumed. His voice and tone changed drastically when he put the phone back up to his ear and spoke again. "What were you thinking, mignonette?" he demanded. "Do you not know what happens in strange men's apartments?"

"I didn't think of that. But he's sitting out there..." She dropped her voice to a whisper. "...without any pants."

"_Merde_," Pip groaned. "Go in the bathroom and lock the door. I'll be there shortly." And with that, he hung up.

_Police girl,_ came her master's voice, almost instantly. _Why do I suspect you're the reason that Frenchie just sprinted out of here?_

Seras bit her lip as she tried to explain. Hot tears of embarrassment rose in her eyes as she debated just how to tell Alucard about the mess she'd gotten herself into. The words spilled out in an incoherent stream. _Guy... bar... coffee... PANTS!_

_Sometimes I worry about you,_ he groaned, _but it sounds like something you can handle._

_But master!_ Seras protested.

_For goodness sakes, police girl! You're a vampire. You should be above these petty human problems._

Seras paused. He was right; she was a vampire. The only danger she was faced with was a lone man, albeit a pantsless one. She could take him! The draculina straightened up her dress, wiped away her tears, and steeled herself. After one deep breath, she placed her hand on the door handle and -

BANG!

Just as she opened the bathroom door, the front door flew open as well, kicked open by one very angry Frenchman. "Get your hands off my girl!" Pip hollered as he landed a solid punch on the confused man's jaw.

"What the hell?" the poor sap demanded.

Seras debated just going back into the bathroom and dying of embarrassment. She felt bad for her... suitor... but realized he had been propositioning her all along. He must have had no clue that she'd panicked and involved Pip, never mind that Pip cared about her enough to knock out a several of the unfortunate man's teeth. She blamed herself for her naivety, and worse still for not handling the situation herself. She was a vampire for goodness sakes, and it was time to start acting like one.

The draculina moved toward the fistfight, and easily separated the two men with her supernatural strength. "Pip, thank you, but that's not necessary," she said. "I have it from here."

The mercenary gave her a strange look, then looked at the man from the bar. He pulled his single-action revolver from inside his jacket and took the safety off before the terrified sap. "I'll be outside," he promised.

"I'm sorry," Seras apologized. "I... I... I didn't know you wanted..." Her blue eyes remained focused on the ceiling as she struggled for words. "Sorry," she finished lamely, and turned to leave. One last glance over her shoulder revealed one very confused man with his mouth still wide-open.

As Seras closed the door behind her, she turned to Pip and burst into tears. "I'm sorry!" she wailed. "I panicked! I... I... I..." she stammered.

"It's okay, mignonette," he said with a benevolent smile, steering her down the stairs and away from the apartment. "I'll be sure to walk you home tonight, so that I can make it through the night without wondering if you've somehow managed to get yourself in trouble."

"Thanks," she murmured, blushing.

"Don't worry about it," he replied as he put away his revolver.

The captain offered Seras his arm as they continued their walk in silence, but the draculina paused. "You should get back to Melina," she said at last. "I'll be fine."

Pip burst into laughter, a rather unusual reaction, or so Seras thought. She cocked her head, like a confused puppy. "Is that what this was about?" he asked between fits of giggles.

The Hellsing agent nodded. Pip howled again. "It's not like that..." he started.

"She certainly thinks it is," Seras protested, averting her eyes.

The Frenchman took Seras by the chin, and gently forced her to look at his face. "Seras, did Alucard not tell you that Melina was our target?"

The draculina continued to look confused.

"Melina was the vampire. The one Sir Hellsing ordered us to exterminate, the one preying on girls from the restaurant," he continued.

"Melina was... the vampire?" Seras repeated hesitantly, as if she didn't quite believe her ears.

"Yes, mignonette! Vous idiote," he said, exasperated, falling into his comfortable French.

Seras had no idea what he actually said, but she knew it was said endearingly. "Well it looks like my master has been playing tricks on me again," she conceded.

"You really should be more skeptical around him," Pip chuckled.

"I think he just likes making me suffer..." she laughed.

Pip smiled and nodded, offering her his arm once again. This time she happily took it, and rested her head on the Frenchman's shoulder. They continued the walk in silence, simply enjoying each other's company. It was over too soon, they felt, and before they knew it, they were standing awkwardly outside the Hellsing mansion that Seras called her home.

"Thanks again," the blonde said, still attached to Pip's arm.

"You know," he started as the corner of his mouth began to turn up in a cheeky smile. "I think you owe me."

Seras nodded and agreed. "Definitely."

"And I think I know how you can pay me back," he continued.

She looked at him with a questioning expression. "How?"

"I could use some coffee before I hit the road."

* * *

**A/N: I hope everyone enjoyed my little SxP. Thanks again for all the R&R.**

**On a side-note, my teammates over at Team Dragon Star are having a little Valentine's Day one-shot competition. I highly encourage you to head over to their page here on and review your favorites! Happy Valentine's Day!**


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